Ironicus Maximus

OK Class, Open Your Books To Page 49 Or The Nice Policeman Will Shoot You

2012-01-30T14:11:00.000-05:00

Frequent reader(s) of this blog will remember the bright and joyous melodies of their youth have turned dirge-like and melancholy with the passage of years...erm...we mean will remember that on several occasions we have written about our less than stellar record as inmates of our local educorporate training facility. Now, we would have been the first to admit to you that we weren't what anyone this side of a fifth of Jack Daniels and water, hold the water would have called a model student, but at least no once called us felons.

The charge on the police docket was "disrupting class". But that's not how 12-year-old Sarah Bustamantes saw her arrest for spraying two bursts of perfume on her neck in class because other children were bullying her with taunts of "you smell".

OK, now before you go getting all up on your high horse because the police arrested a 12 year old girl who was being bullied instead of the bullies, remember, this is an improvement over their former policy which is simply to shoot the kid. Plus we also don't know if the bullies were acting on their religious principles when they bullied her either.

"I'm weird. Other kids don't like me," said Sarah, who has been diagnosed with attention-deficit and bipolar disorders and who is conscious of being overweight. "They were saying a lot of rude things to me. Just picking on me. So I sprayed myself with perfume. Then they said: 'Put that away, that's the most terrible smell I've ever smelled.' Then the teacher called the police."

If you're like us, right about now you're wondering what are the odds that an overweight misfit young women would be mistreated in a middle school setting. Well, we can tell you it might happen more than you think, which is why teachers receive specific and intensive training in dealing with these behavioral anomalies. We mean come on people. Teachers are college educated professionals, licensed by the state, well versed in the ins and outs of child development and maturation, classroom disciplinary techniques and proactive listening skills. Of course, the police have guns so why bother with all that touchy feely stuff? There's tests to prep for!

Sarah was taken from class, charged with a criminal misdemeanor and ordered to appear in court.Each day, hundreds of schoolchildren appear before courts in Texas charged with offenses such as swearing, misbehaving on the school bus or getting in to a punch-up in the playground. Children have been arrested for possessing cigarettes, wearing "inappropriate" clothes and being late for school.

This may seem harsh to you, but in Texas they know that these students must be prepared for the job market. A job market where, if you aren't a guard, you must be a prisoner.

"We've taken childhood behavior and made it criminal," said Kady Simpkins, a lawyer who represented Sarah Bustamantes.

Well, sure it sounds bad when you say it like that, but look here's the deal. Kids are a net drain on the economy. They have to be fed, clothed, housed, they get sick and need to go to the doctor, and on and on and on. They're the classic welfare kings and queens, man. Take, take, take, and what to they give back? Bupkus. But try and ask them to do just a little for their own upkeep and it's like you spit on the flag or something. Well, the free ride's over in Texas, right boys?

The Texas state legislature last year changed the law to stop the issuing of tickets to 10- and 11-year-olds over classroom behavior. (In the state, the age of criminal responsibility is 10.)

Oh crap. You bunch of bleeding hearts. What's next, infant nutrition assistance?

Friday Hound Blogging

2012-01-27T10:53:00.000-05:00

I'm going to step out of character for a moment today to talk about the Skechers Superbowl commercial. You've probably heard about it. It's ostensibly about how Skechers shoes can make a little French Bulldog faster than racing greyhounds. It was filmed at Tucson Greyhound Park.

When word of the ad first leaked out greyhound rescue groups all over the country responded by attempting to get the company to reconsider. In this effort Grey2K became a rallying point, eventually organizing a boycott campaign when the company refused to kill the ad. You can read about that effort here.

The Skechers company responded by saying that no dogs were injured in the making of the commercial, and it was just meant to be a humorous bit of advertising fluff designed to sell their product. Elements from the greyhound racing industry rallied to the company arguing since no one had actually seen the commercial yet, no critique of it was appropriate.

All true. All completely irrelevant. Our concern isn't the greyhounds in the commercial, they have been rescued. It is their brothers and sisters in the kennels surrounding the Tucson track and at tracks all over the country we are concerned with. The Skechers commercial trivializes their suffering, obscures the abuse they endure and disrespects the fact that thousands of greyhounds are injured and die every year in the barbarous industry that is greyhound racing.

The company says its intent was just to give us a chuckle and get us to think about its sneakers, but I would ask Skechers CEO Michael Greenburg, if he would approve of a funny commercial about dog fighting? About bear baiting? You would say, those activities are illegal, but that greyhound racing is currently sanctioned in no way mitigates the pain a dog suffers as its leg is shattered in a race, the abuse it endures locked in a crate upwards of 22 hours a day on a bed of shredded newspaper in a dark kennel, or the suffering as it slowly starves to death because its owner has walked away.

The supporters of greyhound racing who sided with the Skechers company also missed the point, but they have raised missing the point to an art form. I have engaged many greyhound racing supporters over the years in a variety of arenas, and I've learned that from their perspective, the first rule of debating greyhound racing is don't talk about greyhound racing. Scan a section of comments to an article about greyhound racing, blogs, message boards, or letters to the editor and you will see that a discussion that starts out about the cruelty of greyhound racing very quickly becomes one about Nazis, starving children, vegetarianism, or any of a myriad of subjects, as long as it's not greyhound racing. This is to be expected I suppose. I'm a trained rhetorician and I would find myself hard pressed to mount a defense of an industry built upon the commodification and exploitation of innocent living creatures for profit--and not much profit at that.

I'm willing to accept that the Skechers company did not know about the reputation of the Tucson track when they chose it for filming, a reputation I've written about many times on this blog--specifically to this point, here and here--but now they do, and with knowledge comes responsibility. To refuse to acknowledge the misery that surrounded your commercial, Mr. Greenburg, is to tacitly accept it, and to accept those responsible for it.

This Saturday Grey2K is sponsoring a nationwide protest against the Skechers company. People will be in front of Skechers stores all over the country handing out fliers and explaining the horrors of greyhound racing. Whether you are the activist type or not you can participate by simply educating yourself on the plight of racing greyhounds. If there is any good to come out of the Skechers commercial it will be that it raised the profile of greyhound racing and allowed even more people to see it for the despicable practice that it is.

Jessica’s Smile is very affectionate and asks for attention. She is very playful and comical. She can be a little strong-willed. She is a very smart, quick learner. She does well in crate and will even go in it to take naps. She loves to go for walks and also does well in the car. She loves her stuffies. She is very inquisitive. She has learned to do the stairs and is learning basic commands. Jessica’s Smile would do well in a single person home or with a family. She would do well by herself or with other dogs in the home. She would do well in a home with well-behaved children. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Next Up: If Only They Hadn't Started Putting Floride In Water

2012-01-26T12:12:00.001-05:00

We're coming to you today from the Inevitability Is Inevitable Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. I³ is a division of It's Not Passing The Buck If God Tells You To Do It, Inc. A Respect Ma Moral Authorataa Company.

Slooshing through the inter toobz this morning looking for Stoli specials when what to our wandering eyes should appear but: Bishop of Tenerife blames child abuse on the children.

Well, of course you do. So far you've blamed everything except frogs and the New England Patriots, so why not? In the interests of fair and balanced though, we're willing to watch as you make a logic pretzel in support of this rather pungent bit of rhetorical effluvia. Please. Do go on:

His comments were that there are youngsters who want to be abused, and he compared that abuse to homosexuality, describing them both as prejudicial to society. He said that on occasions the abuse happened because the there are children who consent to it.
‘There are 13 year old adolescents who are under age and who are perfectly in agreement with, and what’s more wanting it, and if you are careless they will even provoke you’, he said.

OK first, all 13 year old adolescents are under age, maybe that's where you got confused, but this whole "provoke" thing? Aren't you guys always telling us we need to resist our baser urges? Aren't we supposed to fight provocation towards immoral acts? And isn't that why we need people like you, because we are weak and you guys have had training in this area? Come on man, you're supposed to be the SEAL Team Six of resisting temptation. You're the professionals of temptation resistance, the people we're supposed to aspire to be. And now you're telling us you got tripped up by a 12 year old who forgot to button his shirt all the way up? Dude, this is like the New York Yankees getting beat 10 zip by the north Little Rock Bayview Rest Home Seniors Coed softball team. Twice. You sure that's the argument you want to go with?

A later statement from the Bishop's residence on Tenerife explained that the Bishop did not intend to imply that ‘an event as condemnable as the abuse of youngsters’ could be justified.

Oh. Well that clears it up.

One thing though padre. If kids are a source of temptation even highly trained professionals such as yourself can't resist, why are you always telling us to have more of them? Just asking.

An Egg Is A Chicken Fetus. You Can See The Logical Progression

2012-01-25T13:58:00.000-05:00

We're coming to you today from the Solutions Looking for Problems Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. SLFP is a division of the Aren't You Glad You Voted For Me Now Company, in conjunction with This Is What Happens When You De-Fund Community Health Programs, Inc.

Now, usually we like to set the scene with a little introductory snippet of jocularity designed to place the item du jour in the proper context for your reading pleasure, but today we have to admit that try as we might we found no better way to say it than to just put it out there the way god put it on the page in the first place:

An Oklahoma lawmaker files a bill to ban the making and selling of food or products that use aborted human fetuses.

We'll give you a minute to let that sink it.

OK, by now your eyes have become somewhat crossed and you're feeling IQ points dripping away like water from a leaky faucet, so let us bring you back with this: That is not the stupidest thing that has ever been said by someone purporting to be sentient . The stupidest thing that has ever been said by someone purporting to be sentient is here, but we caution you, exposing yourself to two such instances of weapons grade, high energy, irradiated idiocy might just promote the growth of amyloid plaque on your brain. We recommend reading this instead. Sort of a calming mental cup of Camomile tea for your brain after if went over a waterfall trapped in a barrel full of moron.

Anyway, the author if this particular instance of full on, industrial strength mental vacuity is one Ralph Shortey who contends that the legislation is necessary because:

[H]e's done research and found reports that companies have used stem cells in the research and development of food.

In the interest of fair and balanced we have to say that we are not privy the the research that Mr. Shortey did, however we feel confident in saying that whatever the resource, or resources, they did not adequately differentiate for our intrepid intellectual explorer the difference between a stem cell and a fetus.

“There is a potential that there are companies that are using aborted human babies in their research and development of basically enhancing flavor for artificial flavors," says Shortey.

We can forgive Mr. Shortey several of his shortcomings, up to and including the fact that he somehow managed to be born with opposable thumbs, but this...this is a bridge too far. Aborted human babies enhancing flavor for artificial flavors? That's just silly. Everybody knows aborted human fetuses taste like chicken.

Also, too, Soylent Green Bitchez!!!

Wait Until They Find Out Numbers Are Called Arabic Numerals

2012-01-24T14:28:00.001-05:00

We're coming to you today from the Department O' Book Learnin' here in the marbled halls of IM Central. DoBL is a division of the Readin' Is For Frenchies Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Education Must Confirm Our Prejudices, NA.

It seems the good people of Tennessee have taken it upon themselves to wrest the education of tomorrow's leaders from the east coast elite and return it to the backwoods and hollers where it rightfully belongs.

About two dozen tea party activists held a news conference, then met with lawmakers individually to present their list of priorities and “demands” for the 2011 legislative session.

"This whole educatin' the young'uns is gettin' outta hand," said Fayette County attorney Hal Rounds, the group’s lead spokesman. "The other day my daughter told me she hadda take a whole class in Al Gebra. First of all, when did the mooslims take over our schools, and secondly, why does the the law make girls go to school in the first place?"

Regarding education, the material they distributed said, “Neglect and outright ill will have distorted the teaching of the history and character of the United States. We seek to compel the teaching of students in Tennessee the truth regarding the history of our nation and the nature of its government.”

When asked what kind of "truths" were being withheld from students Rounds replied that, "for too long these northern, egghead, ivy league intellectuals have been doing "research," reading in the "archives" and studying "documents" about the Founding Fathers. Then they write all these "books" and "papers" and we're just supposed to believe what they say, but I think our kids should hear the real truth from patriots like Sarah Palin, or Pat Buchanan, or Glenn Beck. He's got his own school you know."

The material calls for lawmakers to amend state laws governing school curriculums, and for textbook selection criteria to say that “No portrayal of minority experience in the history which actually occurred shall obscure the experience or contributions of the Founding Fathers, or the majority of citizens, including those who reached positions of leadership.”

When asked to explain what that meant, Rounds pointed out that "it's a well known fact god gave the North American continent to white people. Now, I got nothin' against the duskier hues, but Manifest Destiny, man. It's right there in the bible.

Rounds said the group wants to address “an awful lot of made-up criticism about, for instance, the founders intruding on the Indians or having slaves or being hypocrites in one way or another.

"Intruding" on the Indians? So that's what they're calling it these days. Well, that is a better word, we guess. Avoids giving northern, egghead, ivy league intellectuals the opportunity to make up criticisms about, you know things like the Sand Creek Massacre, or Wounded Knee, or the Yontoket Massacre, or the Achulet Massacre, or the Wiyot Massacre, or the Marias Massacre, or the, oh wait, sorry. We mean the Sand Creek, Wounded Knee, Yontoket, Achulet, Wiyot and Marias intrusions. Our bad.

“The thing we need to focus on about the founders is that, given the social structure of their time, they were revolutionaries who brought liberty into a world where it hadn’t existed, to everybody — not all equally instantly — and it was their progress that we need to look at,” said Rounds.

When it was pointed out that the Founding Fathers were greatly influenced English writers like John Locke and Thomas Hobbes and indeed Jefferson may have cribbed parts of the Declaration of Independence from the writings of Locke, Rounds replied that he knew for a fact that wasn't true because of a historical special hosted by Sean Hannity he had watched on Fox News.

Newt! Motto: For Those Who Think Loud Is Better Than Smart

2012-01-23T13:49:00.000-05:00

We can't tell you the effort we go to around here to avoid knowing anything about the republican primary contests, or as we like to call it, the Unmedicated and Proud of it Tour. We're not sure what scares us more, the fact that these guys are out there without professional supervision, or the fact that people show up at their rallies and actually think they make sense.

Well, try as we might we couldn't seem to avoid learning that Newt won the South Carolina primary based on the fact that he yelled at John King, and Mitt lost it because of a glitch in his software. They think it had something to do with an apparent internal runtime conflict because the "Average Guy" sub routine interfered with the "I Flush My Toilet With Champagne" source code when he was asked about his taxes.

Anyway, it seems Newt became the voice of all those who think the comics have gotten too small and the Sudoku puzzles should be easier. Or something like that, we may not have the full nuance of their grievances quite in our grasp.

Now, we're not professional journalistic reporters or anything, but it would seem Mr. King was a little less that effective in his defense of his opening question, and by extension, his profession, so as a public service we are going to share a response that can be used by any reporter or news person who may have the temerity to ask Mr. Gingrich an unpleasant or uncomfortable question in the future. To wit:

Mr. Gingrich, please don't shoot the messenger. I'm not the serial adulterer here, you are, and my question goes to the point of would someone who has admitted to such a laundry list of character flaws and ethical shortcomings up to and including serial adultery as you have, have the requisite character that makes him the type of person we want to elect for our president. Please answer the question sir.

Oh, and Mr. King? Might want to see a doctor and get checked out for Low T or something. just a thought.

Friday Hound Blogging

2012-01-20T13:46:00.000-05:00

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the one certainty you can count on in this life is the advance and eventual triumph of entropy...erm...we mean know that we've been monitoring the decoupling situation in Florida which, because it contains 13 of the 22 remaining greyhound racing tracks in the country is like Mordor for the overlords, which we guess would make people like Carey Theil and Christine Dorchak hobbits which probably carries this little analogy a step or two farther than it should have gone.

Well, the point is things are not looking good for the overlords.

"We need to remove these mandates,'' Rep. Dana Young said. "We need to stop propping up the greyhound-racing industry.''

Well, "propping up" is a pretty strong term, don't you think?

Even at Derby Lane in Pinellas County, were people do turn out for the greyhounds, Derby Lane spokeswoman Vera Rasnake said some days are better than others. "It could be storming outside, it could be really, really something out of the ordinary, we'd still be forced to run the dogs in order to open the poker room," she said. Plus, the races cost both the card rooms and taxpayers quite a bit of money, as the tracks rely on nearly $5 million a year from the state.

Oh sure it sounds bad when you say it like that, but look at all the state is getting for that $5 million.

"When you start thinking about the fact that you've got these animals running around the track, day in and day out, in the heat of the day, that many times, and you've got no one watching, it doesn't make any sense," said Rep. Dana Young, R-Tampa, referring specifically to the Bonita Springs track.

Um...well we were looking for something a little more upbeat there. You know, excitement, thrills, exhilaration, stuff like that. Of course if no one is watching it does kind of cut down on the whole we should keep doing this thing. What do you say Jack Cory, a spokesman for the Florida Greyhound Association?

If pari-mutuels were to stop racing altogether, Cory estimates $5 million in state revenue would be lost.

OK, we're not mathematicians or anything, but if you figure the state is giving you $5 million to stay in business, and you're giving them back $5 million in revenue that's like...ah...47...carry the 2...divide...yeah, that's like a wash, right Billy Bob?

Billy Bob is a three year old who, as near as we can tell, never raced. He was born in West Virginia or Alabama or someplace down there. The overlords aren't really particular about records and such if the unit isn't profitable. For more information about these dogs, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Tennessee! Motto: If You're A Man Wearing A Skirt You Better Be A Scotsman

2012-01-17T15:24:00.000-05:00

We're coming to you today from the Good News, Bad News Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. GNBN is a division of the Split The Difference Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Take What You Can Get, Inc.

Sen. Bo Watson on Thursday withdrew the Senate version of a controversial House measure requiring transgender people to use public bathrooms and dressing rooms that match their birth gender.

Well, what do you know? A state legislator that seems to have a fully functioning tolerance gland. And in Tennessee no less. Reason to hope that the American experiment can survive this current spate of government of the voices in our heads, by the voices in our heads and for the voices in our heads? Ah, not so much. Look what he's up against:

Rep. Richard Floyd introduced the bill after reading a news story about a Texas woman who said she was fired from Macy’s after stopping a male teen dressed as a woman from using a dressing room.“It could happen here,” Floyd said. “I believe if I was standing at a dressing room and my wife or one of my daughters was in the dressing room and a man tried to go in there — I don’t care if he thinks he’s a woman and tries on clothes with them in there — I’d just try to stomp a mudhole in him and then stomp him dry.

Now, for those of you who don't speak Bubba, we have to tell you representative Floyd is deadly serious in his threat. How do we know? Because he didn't end his little testosterone fueled chest thump with "Bless his heart." No matter how violent, how homophobic, racist or xenophobic something a hillbilly says is, if he or she ends the remark with "Bless his heart" they only mean it in the best way possible.

To further underscore the seriousness of representative Floyd's concern that the people crowding into his daughter's dressing room with her are not of the same gender, take a look at his photograph:

As you can see, aside from the ill fitting dentures, representative Floyd is a senior citizen with a bit of a paunch. In other words, his best mud hole stomping days are behind him, and if events were to compel him to engage in sustained mud hole stomping at this stage of his life, well, let's just say it wouldn't be long before we were entering the myocardial infarction zone, but it's a price he's willing to pay to assure the person in the stall next to his wife isn't swinging anything other than a purse if you get our meaning.

“Don’t ask me to adjust to their perverted way of thinking and put my family at risk,” he said. “We cannot continue to let these people dominate how society acts and reacts..."

Well put representative Floyd. If we let these people freely roam the street unharassed by the more manly elements of American society, what's next, unisex bathrooms? Skin care products for men? Hair gels? What are we, France?

Jonathan Cole of the Tennessee Equality Project dubbed it the “Police the Potty” bill.

OK, OK let's not lose our perspective here. We mean, representative Floyd is only one guy--admittedly a guy with some issues--but only one guy with one Bill. To be sure a guy so manly even his name is Dick, but it's not like the Tennessee legislature is dealing with this sort of thing every day.

Cole accused state lawmakers of “proposing and passing some of the most homophobic and transphobic bills in the country — it is, after all, the state that passed HB600 stripping local jurisdictions of LGBT [lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender] antidiscrimination provisions.”

Well, yeah, there is that too.

He also cited two other pending bills, one that exempts schools from an antibullying law when students’ criticism is based on their religious beliefs. Critics call it the “license to bully” bill.

Um...well...uh...

Another measure, dubbed as the “Don’t Say Gay” bill, prohibits teachers from discussing homosexuality in kindergarten through eighth-grade classrooms.

Oh crap. Is this a legislature, or a closet?

This Whole Religion Thing Would Work A Lot Better If Jesus Would Just Man Up a Little

2012-01-16T13:53:00.000-05:00

Now here's a bit of ironicus for your maximus.

A three-judge panel of the 6th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals in Cincinnati is taking up the claim of three Michigan ministers that a federal hate crime law infringes on their First Amendment rights and should be declared unconstitutional.

Yes, you read that right. Three ministers, three men of god, three representatives of Jesus here on earth are suing to stop a law that makes hate illegal. Now, they work for a guy who said "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" so we wondered if they were like, not paying attention at orientation or something, but it turns out they don't really want it to be legal to hate just any old heathen, only some heathens.

The ministers say they could be targeted for their sermons against gay behavior.

OK, we're not theologians over here or anything, but this raises an interesting question: Is it possible to be against something, or someone without actually hating it, or them? For example, we really don't like broccoli, but we don't hate it. We can sit at the same dinner table where it's being served and be polite while ignoring it all together. However, if someone asks us what we think about broccoli we'll tell them it tastes like shredded polypropylene, but after voicing our opinion we go on with our day--as does, we suspect, our interlocutor--and broccoli itself is pretty much unaffected by our public discourse on the evils of florets and stems. Broccoli farmers, you're never going to get rich off of us, but if you feel the need to grow that stuff and plunk it down in the produce aisle, right between the cauliflower and the green peppers, you can pretty much be assured that we're going to push our little squeaky wheeled cart right by it without even a passing glance. Sorry to be so blunt.

That being said, We have a theory as to why these three men of god feel the need to be protected from any legal blow back once they unleash the holy beat down on the homos--it's the old testament. See, in the old testament god's a manly man. Dude's opening up cans o' whupass all over the middle east. Step out of line and you can expect a face full of locusts, or frogs for in-laws. Now that kind of god appeals to a certain segment of the population--the segment with hair on its chest, man. The segment that's got a pair!. That's the kind of god you'd like to have a beer with.

Then along comes this Jesus guy and he's all love this and forgive that and don't judge the other thing. Where's the fun in that? We mean, if you're going to have the omniscient, omnipresent, undisputed ruler of the universe now and forever amen in your posse, shouldn't you be able to strike a little fear in the unbelievers? Shouldn't we at least be able to get some angels with flaming swords up in here?

No. Apparently 2000 years ago there was a change in policy. Maybe Yahweh decided you get more flies with honey than vinegar, or maybe Jesus managed to swing some votes on the board, who knows? Bottom line is our three reverends have, as we say, lost administrative support from the home office, so now they turn to the judicial system because somebody needs to render a serious butt kicking to the faggots and if the lord won't let you do the rendering, maybe Caesar will.

Friday Hound Blogging

2012-01-13T13:59:00.000-05:00

Good morning class. Today we are going to study overlord social structure. Now, to the untrained eye, overlords appear to be a rather homogeneous group of semi-sentient parasites occupying a unique, but completely superfluous niche in modern civilization, much like smallpox, a remnant of an earlier, less advanced age, soon to be relegated to the dustbin of history.

But upon closer examination we find that there are indeed gradations within what passes for overlord society which, while rapidly degrading much as a the fecund pools born of the gentle spring rains turn into the fetid, cracked, barren dry holes under the merciless summer sun, still retain enough recognizable structure for study.

And it is to that rapidly festering dry hole of a society that we now turn our attention. At the bottom of overlord society are the breeders. These are the people who supply the "product" to the greyhound exploitation...excuse us...greyhound racing industry. These breeders reside on what are called "Farms" but in actuality are nothing more than puppy mills protected by outdated and illogical regulations, which by the way is a hallmark of regulations in the entire greyhound racing industry.

After the breeders come the owners and trainers. It is possible for an owner to be a trainer and vis versa, but often an owner is someone with the mental acuity of tap water who has somehow been convinced that investing in a unit...excuse us again...investing in a racing greyhound will somehow produce a monetary return, but as we have learned it mostly produces pain and death for the greyhound. Trainers are the class of overlord who supposedly "work" to prepare the greyhound for life as a racing unit, although as they like to say when the inherent cruelty of their industry is pointed out to them greyhounds are "born to run" and "love to run" which causes one to wonder why they need a trainer.

Next are the track operators. They sit atop the overlord hierarchy because they own the land upon which greyhound racing takes place. They rent space to the trainers to house the dogs while at the track and thus like the feudal lords of old, control the destinies of the peasant classes, in this case made up of the breeders, owners and trainers.

Now we have set the stage for the current state of affairs in greyhound racing, in which, if we may continue our analogy, the lords of the manor have espied greener pastures and are coming to see the peasants as an obstacle to its attainment.

These are unusual allies, an organization devoted to ending greyhound racing and the industry itself.But a group aiming to shut down greyhound tracks has joined with the track owners on a piece of legislation that has wide support.The bill would “decouple” greyhound racing from other forms of gambling. Howard Korman, head of the Jacksonville Kennel Club, said in an interview that he does not oppose the bill.

So class, as you can see, just as the rise of the trade and merchant classes marked the end of feudal times in the middle ages, so the rise of the poker room and slot machine will make exploiting innocent living beings for profit--if we may be permitted a little punnery--marks the end of this futile endeavor called greyhound racing.

Hey, come on Dropkick. That was funny. Why you looking at us like that?

Dropkick is a three year old girl who ran her races (all 31 of them) in Alabama. She was victorious once so, you know, early retirement and all that. For more information about these dogs, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And The Lord Sayeth, "C'mere Mitt. Got Something For You"

2012-01-12T13:49:00.000-05:00

Hey, we were over at Ed's place this morning and guess what? Better take that vacation early because the world is going to end on May 27th. And this time we don't have to take the particular prognosticator in question's word for it because he is showing his work.

God separated a segment of “time” that reflects the work of the Messiah over the past 2,000 years. Before Christ came to fulfill the role of our Passover, 4,000 years had passed. In reality, mankind has lived through a period of “time” and “times” (2,000 and 4,000 years) in God’s complete plan for 7,000 years. It is during the final “half-a-time” (1,000 years) that God will fully reveal His ways, truth, and power to all who will receive it. Through Christ (the Messiah), God will govern this world. We are entering the final transition from mankind’s self-rule to that of God’s rule.

X² + 2X -Y = RAPTURE BIOTCH!. Can't argue with math.Well, aside from the impending "period when the Trumpets of Revelation will finally be heard (witnessed and seen) throughout this world, along with the Thunders of Revelation that will progressively escalate" as the Monster Truck of Revelation draws closer, this got us to thinking about the upcoming, but obviously abridged presidential election.

Frequent reader(s) of this blog welcome the coming apocalypse...er...we mean may recall that in this particular quadrennial shin kicking contest there was no shortage of candidates called into the field by the lord. Now, it's a pretty safe bet that if god had to go through all that higher order math to figure out he was going to pull the plug on May27th, he's known that for a while and so when the three aforementioned supplicants approached him voicing their desire to rule the free world and he said "Sure. Go for it" the rest of his staff was all like "Oh man, he's yanking their chains again."

We're not so sure that's god's intent though. Oh sure it was fun to screw with Bachmann and Cain. We mean, a woman and a black man as god's chosen ones? Have they even opened a bible? And Santorum is just so whiny if he doesn't get his way that it's easier just to go along with him, but our thinking is the real target here is Mitt Romney.

See, we're pretty convinced god just doesn't like Mitt. We're not sure why, maybe it's the whole Mormon thing. You know god wants his people to believe some pretty strange things, but we're sure even he has limits. We mean, underwear? Really? Anyway, here's our evidence: Mitt's been trying to be president for quite a few years now and even though he's one of the most agreeable candidates around--and by that we mean he agrees to whatever you want him to agree to--even his own supporters can only drum up enough enthusiasm about him to point out that at least he's not as crazy as the rest of the pack. When you've got competition like Rick Perry and you still can't pull away, well, that's got to be god's doing.

But now it looks like Mitt will be the nominee and we see how god's plan is coming together. See, by May 27th all but six of the primaries will be over (come on--Utah on June 26? Do you have to ask?) and all the republicans should have pretty much given up hope that they're actually going to avoid having him as their nominee. For Mitt's part he going to be all like YEAH! Finally! After all those butts I kissed and all those commoners I had to pretend like I gave a rip about and all those times I lost track of what side of the question I was on, it has paid off at last. And I never did release my tax returns so all you proles would see I'm in the one percent of the one percent! Looking out for the working man my gold plated behind!

So Mitt is just settling into the cat bird seat and along comes Jehovah who says, "Sorry Mitt. Game over." Got to sting, that' all we're saying.

And you're thinking, "Come on Ironicus. Why not let Mitt get the nomination, win the election, then crush him like a bug?"

Yeah, right. Look even the guy's own supporters don't like him. You think he can win an election? Not without god's help and even though we weren't able to prove it mathematically, like the end of the world guy, we think we've adequately demonstrated how the big fella feels about that.

You Say Those Are Sprinkles, But They Look Like Detonators To Me

2012-01-10T12:57:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when we're slooshing around the inter toobz we run across a bit of flotsam so perfect, so all encompassing of our times, so inestimably spot on that we can't think of any way to improve on it. Such was the case today when we ran across this headline:

TSA defends confiscation of Mass. woman's cupcake

And that's pretty much all you need to know about the deranged security kabuki we call traveling by air these days isn't it? First of all, they confiscate the cupcake, secondly they defend the confiscation of said dessert item.

The TSA says in a blog comment posted Monday the cupcake was packed in a jar filled with icing, which is considered a gel under a policy designed to secure travelers from terrorists seeking to evade detection by using explosives made of plastics, liquids or gels.

"Look, you gotcher brownies, your cookies, your assorted sugary treats, we don't have a problem with those, but you go coverin' up some confection with a gel of unknown composition, well we just ain't going be puttin' the traveling public at risk like that," commented one TSA agent who asked not to be identified. "We want you to know the $8.1 billion you're spending on airport security is worth it. Plus sometimes we don't get a very long lunch break."

Ah, well that explains why the cupcake in question had to be confiscated. Of course when the bomb sniffing dog licked it, the lady really didn't want it back anyway.

Sleep well Americans. Sleep well in the knowledge that out on the cold and lonely ramparts of civilization the brave TSA agent stands between you and high calorie baked goods.

Friday Hound Blogging

2012-01-06T12:50:00.000-05:00

Ah, the first FHB of the new year and what better way to start off than with a visit to two of our favorite people, the Ever Delusional Gary Guccione, and Well Known Animal Rights Wacko Caryn Wood.

Now, for those of you watching at home, here's how it goes, a newspaper or tee vee station somewhere will run a story about greyhounds, most always something along the lines of greyhounds living in horrific conditions, or how greyhounds are regularly injured and killed, or how people who have souls are so aghast at the whole enterprise that even those as clueless as state legislators realize they've got to get out of the greyhound racing business.

In other words, for the overlords business as usual.

Now, this will prompt WKARW Caryn to pen a missive to the aforementioned newspaper or tee vee station in which she points out that you sort of have to expect this sort of thing is going to happen when living, breathing sentient creatures like, say for instance greyhounds are reduced to commodities whose only value is their ability to earn a couple of bucks for a class of so called people so bereft of compassion they make a black widow spider look like Mother Theresa.

So the letter gets published and eventually makes its way to overlord headquarters where one of the two staffers who can read brings it to the Ever Delusional Mr. Guccione. After it is explained to him that the author is showing greyhound racing in a less than positive light, he digs through his desk looking for the rumpled copy of talking points, he calls Things To Say When The Truth Gets Out which he usually finds under the self improvement CDs he listens to like "Embark on a Fascinating Career as a Parking Lot Attendant," or "From Busboy to Dishwasher: Climbing the Ladder of Success in the Restaurant Industry," grabs his dictionary and the Word-a-Day calendar and heads down to the local library to use their computers.

Which brings us to his latest effort which we reproduce for you below in its entirety:

A letter from Caryn Wood, board member of GREY2K USA, about greyhound racing was full of the misinformation and hyperbole for which that organization is famous (“Dogs are pawns,” Jan. 3 Letters to the Editor).
Almost 95 percent of all racing greyhounds are either adopted or returned to the farm when they retire. Between reduced breeding and increasing success with adoption programs, we hope to achieve the goal of 100 percent placement of all greyhounds suitable for adoption in the near future.
Wood distorted the facts on greyhound care as well. Racing greyhounds are among the best-cared-for animals in the world, because they must receive excellent care in order to perform at their best on the track. On the rare occasions when industry members fail in their obligation for responsible greyhound care, the penalties are harsh and long term. People who violate animal-care standards are banned from the sport for life, and others prohibited from doing business with them. That’s because we take greyhound welfare very seriously.
GARY GUCCIONE
Communications coordinator
American Greyhound Council
Abilene

Now, the first thing we notice about the letter is it's shorter than the E. D. Mr. G's usual rebuttal. This could be for one of two reasons: either the effort of trying to remember the correspondence between the letter on the key and the resulting letter that appears on the screen when you push the key is getting to be too much for him, or the library staff got tired of him messing up the screen with erasure marks every time he made a typing mistake and kicked him out. Or both, but let's talk a look at what he says.

He starts, unfortunately, with the math gambit. Oh, Mr. G. We've had this talk before. Mathematics is not your friend. In fact if you moved into the same neighborhood as mathematics, mathematics would move away in the night and not leave a forwarding address. Once, for Christmas, G was given a calculator, but he returned it soon after. When the clerk asked him what was wrong, he replied that it must be broken because he had tried on several occasions to call a pizza shop to order dinner and had not been able even to get a dial tone. The other thing you need to realize about mathematics, Mr. G is that if you want to end up with numbers that are, you know, true, you have to start with numbers that have some connection to reality...and...uh...you ain't got 'em. Even your fellow overlords know that.

No cumulative annual records are available that we're aware of on disposition, whelped, where they race, where they end up, etc.

Now, if you'd like we can set up a meeting between you and the overlord who wrote that, let's see, what's his name? Oh yeah, that was you. Looks like you've got one too many voices in your head again.

From here the E. D. Mr. G moves on to the issue of care and how "Racing greyhounds are among the best-cared-for animals in the world." Especially the ones who are crippled and blind. Then he gets to the big finish about how if an overlord is mean to his or her greyhound, that overlord is cast into the darkness from which they can never return. Well, unless it happens to be Herb "Dutch" Koerner or Ursula O'Donnell then...ah...not so much.

On the bright side though, they take greyhound welfare very seriously. You can attest to that huh, Lady?

Lady is outgoing, exuberant, very energetic, playful and puppy-like. She is affectionate. She will try to crawl into your lap to cuddle when you are sitting down. She likes to be near you. She wants to be petted all the time. She is very sweet—loves affection. She likes to play with toys and will sometimes throw her toys in the air. She likes to roll on her back. Lady would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and older. Sometimes she plays rough with other dogs, so would do best with a young, energetic dog as her companion. She will bark when she is excited, so she may do best in a single family home. She would do best in a home with someone who knows about dog training because she is young and needs guidance and would probably be best in a home that would exercise her regularly. For more information about these dogs, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

KB Update: Booyah! That didn't take long. KB finds a permanent couch in eastern Michigan. Welcome to the pet life, dude. Enjoy!

Next We Appoint Simon Cowell To The State Supreme Court

2012-01-05T14:42:00.000-05:00

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the path to happiness is strewn with the IED's of despair...uh...we mean know that one of our favorite pastimes here in the marbled halls is to watch the frost build on the Stoli bottle as the crystal ambrosia within slowly dons her icy gown of forgetfulness...erm...we mean visit the various state legislatures around this once mighty nation and see what sort of jocularity we can uncover.

So here we are, having just witnessed the natural birth of a new annum and now legislatures around the country once again draw plucky citizen lawmakers back to state capitols to UNLEASH THE CRAZY!!! Or participate in that time honored tradition of government of the people, by the people and for the people. Whichever.

First out of the gate, Indiana.

An state senator in Indiana has proposed a new law punishing anybody who changes the lyrics to The Star-Spangled Banner. Vaneta Becker wants to impose a fine of $25 on singers who dare to improvise, extemporize or undermine the national anthem.

Ha! It's about time somebody criminalized Mariah Carey. She should have been locked up years ago. Look, the Constitution gives you freedom of speech, it don' say nothing 'bout no singing.

"I don't think the national anthem is something we ought to be joking around with," she said. "Singing our national anthem is a sign of gratitude to those who have served our country."

You tell 'em Vaneta. Look, we're not going to help those who served our country get jobs, or treat their PTSD, or help them transition back to civilian life in a way that preserves their family and relationships, and lord knows we're not going to stop having stupid, meaningless wars, so the least we can do is make sure some screecher doesn't get a hold of the anthem before a baseball game.

Now that's some pretty forward looking legislation right there. We have to hand it to old Vaneta. We mean, she looks over the situation in Indiana, the poverty, the joblessness, the infrastructure and what does she see? The state cries out for harmony, man, harmony. Where is the Kingston Trio when you need them?

Not Only That, Solidarity Forever Is The School Fight Song

2012-01-04T13:58:00.000-05:00

We're coming to you today from the Mouths Of Babes Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The MOB is a division of the Children Are Our Future Corporation in partnership with Public Schools Are Socialist Hotbeds, NA.

It seems a group of eight year olds in Virginia took a current events theme for a school event back in October and it has caused a dramatic uptick in the cacophony of voices in certain heads.

A song written and performed by area third graders has gone viral and has conservative bloggers nationwide outraged. The song, performed by Kid Pan Alley at Woodbrook Elementary School, is called "Part of the 99" and references the Occupy Movement. Conservative blogs are buzzing, discussing what they call "an indoctrinating sing-along" with an Occupy Message. In one blog, Weasel Zippers, writes "to have third graders sing about class warfare and rail against the one percent is evil and a violation of the trust parents put in them [schools]."

First of all, if you're going to call yourself "Weasel Zippers" you can't really expect to be taken seriously and second, unless living in your parents basement, working part time as a pizza delivery person and calling yourself "Weasel Zippers" suddenly qualifies as being in the one percent, you probably should reexamine your positions vs-a-vs income equality in this country.

Students write the songs and school officials are standing by the lyrics."They don't censor what the kids write. They don't shape what the kids write. It all comes out of the kids own mouths and the kids own words," said Albemarle County School Board Chair, Steve Koleszar.

Now, speaking as educational technicians ourselves we really have to say we understand some of Mr. Zippers' concern here. It has long been a fundamental precept in the more cognitively dissonant pedagogies that if you teach students to think, you can no longer control what they think about, hence the need to transmit to them only certain pre-approved curricular dogma such as the literal truth of the bible, philosophical aphorisms like might makes right, and social lessons such as everyone different from you is bad.

"Does this also include religious content of lyrics? Would it include profanity? Does the school at any point say this content is inappropriate for an eight-year-old?," questions Jefferson Area Tea Party Chair, Carole Thorpe.

Well, lord knows kids that age like nothing better than to talk about farts and boogers, but it has been our experience that when you tell them adults will be listening they tend to clean up their act a little, at least until they get to high school.

"Just as I wouldn't promote a Tea Party song in a third grade class, I think the same is true for any song of political ideology." says Thorpe.

Hmm...You know Ms. Thorpe, you might want to rethink that. We've seen the way third graders spell, and we're thinking if your group and a bunch of eight year olds got together they just might be able to help you out.

What Is The Sound Of One Mitt Talking?

2012-01-03T12:26:00.000-05:00

We've been doing our best to avoid the Iowa caucus because, come on, seriously, Iowa? Iowa bears as much resemblance to the American electorate as the Kardashians do to the staff of the Large Hadron Collider. Still it does give members of our professional journalistic class the opportunity to write about stuff that's easy rather than stuff that's important, so it's been pretty hard not to find out that Newt made an eighth grader cry in Ottumwa, or how many churches invited Michele Bachmann to explain to them how she knows Jesus wrote the constitution. We often thought that in the midst of yet another "analytical" piece about Rick Santorum's strategy of driving his bus around to all 99 counties because, well, because there are 99 counties, we would have liked to have read one in depth story about why we should give a fig on a stick about any of it.

So when the inter toobz coughed up this story we thought finally, something that explains it all, at least as far as Mittbot is concerned. The headline captures it perfectly: "Romney Supporter Says Mitt’s China-Bashing Is Just Hot Air."

The small businessman who hosted and supports Mitt Romney here — and makes a healthy portion of his living outsourcing manufacturing work to China — has a message for his fellow businessfolk: Don’t worry, Romney’s tough talk on China is just that. Talk.

Now you're thinking wait a minute Ironicus, it can't be good when even your own supporters don't believe a word that you say. And we reply oh novices, do you not see the genius here? Do you not see the brilliance?

Look, long ago Mitt realized that standing on principle limited your options. It pushed you down a per-determined path. It was a cause and effect trap, man, an existential prison. And Mitt had an epiphany, an awakening to a simple universal truth: The Man Who Says Everything, Says Nothing.

This is the quest Mitt set out on years ago and while his opponents were the first to come to the conclusion that words coming out of Mitt's mouth had a half life in the femtosecond range, what this article confirms is that Mitt has finally achieved his quest:

Even his supporters don't believe anything he says.

He has reached the nirvana of nothingness, the pinnacle of pointlessness. He has become everything, and thus he has become nothing. It's like a totally zen campaign, man. Mitt is a walking, talking koan. He's the perfect candidate, completely without substance or form. He's beholding to no one because he's promised everybody everything. He can govern anyway he wants because he's supported every issue that he has opposed and opposed every issue that he's supported. He has become the empty vessel emptied.

Cripes, and you guys thought he was a Mormon. Dude's the Buddha man, and we're all part of his dream...or maybe he's part of ours...

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-12-30T16:38:00.000-05:00

So this blue marble's spin around the edge of the sun's gravity well has once again brought us to the last FHB of the year. And what a solar circumvention it has been huh? The overlords started the year off on the defensive and things just went downhill from there. At one point it even got so bad it looked like they were going to have to go to work for a living, but at the last minute they got a reprieve.

Man, sucking your meager existence off the backs of innocent animals just gets harder and harder every year doesn't it? And it looks like this year isn't going to be any different.

You know, if you're an overlord, it's almost like the universe is trying to tell you something, which is surprising to us because we didn't think the universe used language like that.

Well, whatever. The point is, as we said, this is the last FHB of the year and we're in a reflective mood here in the marbled halls so we thought we'd take a little trip down nostalgia lane and look at some of the highs and lows in this last year of animal exploitation.

As previously mentioned, the year opened badly for the overlords, but leave it to chief spokesman Gary Guccione to offer a stiring defense of killing and injuring living beings for profit. Unfortunately his campaign was less than successful. As we said at the time:

Hmm...OK let's recap. Mr Guccione embarks on a full throated defense of his industry in several papers around the country. Result: Aside from the tracks that are about to go out of business anyway, state legislatures begin to move to outlaw the whole enterprise. This can't be going according to plan.

Well, never ones to dwell on the negative February bought us an example of the hope that springs eternal in the hearts of the overlords--or would if they had hearts. Anyway, meet Phil Ruffin whose plan was to corner the market on abandoned greyhound race tracks.

See what a genius this guy is? He's cornering the market on unused greyhound race tracks. Pretty soon if you don't want to go to a greyhound race you'll have no one to deal with but Mr. Ruffin. A total monopoly! Brilliant!

March saw another attempt--this time by Smauel R. Burdette-- to convince people who suffer from chronic empathy that even though greyhounds appear to all intents and purposes to be living breathing sentient creatures, they are really commodities, much like your toaster and it is only the simple minded, bleeding hearts that are confused. Mr. Burdette, using geometric logic, set out to prove that without greyhound racing "Feed stores, veterinarians, parts of the food processing industry, fast food restaurants and other segments of our economy would struggle to exist," or as we more succinctly summarized:

No greyhound racing means TOFU BURGERS BITCHEZ!!!(eleventy)!!

April is the month the overlords gather in Abilene Kansas to pat themselves on the back for making it through another year letting the dogs do all the work and take all the chances and thanks to our good friend whom we don't know, Mr. Dave Bergmeier, Senior Entertainment Editor for the Abilene Reflector Chronicle Observer Times Beacon Press Dispatch Post Review who covers these proceedings each year we had a ring side seat for the awards ceremony, although truth be told we thought the qualifications were a bit low. As we wrote at the time:

Herb 'Dutch' Koerner was recognized with the initial Lifetime Achievement Award and Gary Guccione, executive director of the NGA, said he was the perfect first choice. "After all, he did avoid prison," Guccione told the audience. "Not all of us can say that." He read several letters that had been used at to help reduce Koerner's sentence at his trial.

May brought the ever delusional Gary Guccione back to FHB as he attempted to rebut a letter to the editor from well know animal rights wacko Caryn Wood. Mr. G opened with "The majority of states where greyhound racing is prohibited didn’t even have live racing when the bans were imposed," which seemed to us to be a bit of a faux pas, so we threw in our two cents:

Uh...Mr. G? Just a bit of strategical advice. When greyhound racing is so unpopular states outlaw it even when it's not around, that's probably not the strongest opening to your argument. Just a thought.

In June no less a national icon than the Wall Street Journal ran a story on unit exploitation...um...greyhound racing and for a moment it looked like the overlords were finally going to get the national attention they craved. As we wrote at the time:

See, what the overlords need is some way to get the word out to the whole country, some major network or nationally circulated newspaper so say "Hey. We're Greyhound Racing. We Kill And Maim Animals For Your Enjoyment And Our Profit."

Well, the article didn't go quite that far, but still, its conclusion couldn't have done much to brighten the overlords' day:

Paul Walden, a former trainer in Swindon in Wiltshire, whose family has been training dogs since the 1930s, recently quit the business altogether as it was bleeding cash.

Ouch. Well, in July the overlords found another champion who wasn't afaid to tell the truth the way he saw it, Mr. Jim Blanchard who, taking a page from the Gary Guccione book of logic and style set out to prove that making the mistreatment of greyhounds public was the worst thing the organizations who publicized greyhound abuse could do. As we summarized his point:

If those people trying to draw attention to the mistreatment and neglect greyhounds suffer on the track would just stop being so public about the mistreatment and neglect greyhounds suffer on the track, then maybe they could get some credibility. you know like Anthony Fowler.

In August it looked as if the overlords' future was brightening as they found someone stupid enough...er...we mean someone with a love of brutality...um...we mean someone with more money than brains who was willing to invest. A Mr. Eddie Lyons by name. There were, as we wrote at the time, some...ah...issues though. First of all, Eddie Lyons is a mobster and second, his strategy for winning is somewhat unorthodox. As we commented:

OK wait a minute. The guy is spending money to train dogs that can't race in the hopes that he will be able to breed them someday because people will be looking for racing dogs that come from a line of dogs that can't race, is that it?

That seems to be it.

Perfect! You couldn't find a person more suited to invest in greyhound racing if you built them from the ground up.

September bought to light yet more drugging scandals involving overlords Eric Butler and Alfred Vella. It also highlighted why you should pay attention in chemistry class if you're planning on making a career of cheating with drugs. As we commented at the time:

Hmm...well in his defense we have to say that Alfred was apparently paying more attention in chemistry class than Eric was. We mean, caffeine? Yeah, we get that, but theobromine? Dude, that's chocolate! Now, chocolate might make some people run faster, but dogs? Ah...not so much. See, that's why the lure is a fake rabbit and not a snickers bar.

In October we took a step away from our usual fare and told you the story of a group of college kids at Bergen Community College in New Jersey and their yearly Greyhound Adoption Day. As we said at the time:

Who says all college students do is smoke dope and listen to the rock and roll? Oh wait, that was us. We have no idea what college kids do today. Well, except for these college kids who appear to have decided to make a difference.

The event ties back into the school, with English as a second language students producing reports about greyhounds and the school's graphic designers creating T-shirts that are sold with proceeds benefiting GFNJ. Ha! Making a difference and getting credit for it. Are these kids smart, or what?

November brought us back to the issue of overlords and chemistry in the person of one Dan Francati, general manager of the Kennel Club and Poker Room who, it seems, in a fit of economy was spraying a termite pesticide on the dogs. As Mr. Francati explained:

The chapter used a solution of equal parts Termidor, alcohol and water on the coats of the club's dogs as a flea and tick repellent. "Look, the kennels are infested with termites and the dogs are infested with fleas and ticks."

Well said, Mr. Francati. His ultimate defense was equally impressive:

"Hey. What do you want from me?" Francati said. "It took me three years to get out of tenth grade fer chrissakes. Does that sound like chemistry major material to you?"

Which brings us back to the present and our rapidly closing year. Just one task remaining. You ready for your closeup KB?

This laid-back handsome boy is very curious about everything that is going on. You know for sure that he is excited or happy when his right ear sticks up and tips back. KB’s is friendly and will come up and lean on his foster parents as well as the other dogs. While looking for attention, he will put his nose in your face. This boy loves food! If someone is in the kitchen, he will follow in the hope of getting some tasty morsels. Would do fine as an only dog in a working family. Would do fine in a home with children over 10. He has not had any exposure to younger children but would probably be fine depending on their maturity level. Does fine in crate. For more information about these dogs, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Eds. Note: As this is the last hound we are going to feature in 2011, we remind you of an Ironicus Maximus tradition because we're still sober enough to remember it ourselves. In this tradition we take the last skinny dog of the year and follow him from kennel to kouch. See how we played with the letter K? That's more subtle Ironicus Maximus humor right there. Funny too. Did you know K is the funniest letter in the alphabet?

Trust us. We know about these things.

A Day That Will Live In Calumny

2011-12-28T13:53:00.000-05:00

OK, so if Newt failing to get on the Virginia ballot was like the Japanese strike at Pearl Harbor, then Rick Perry suing the state because he also failed to file the requisite paperwork must be like the battle of Midway where the plucky fliers from the carriers Clueless, Disorganized and Gulf of Idiots caught the mighty empire of bureaucracy flatfooted and delivered a resounding blow for mediocrity and being excused from following the rules if you're stupid, right?

Of course we may be mistaken because we aren't professional historians like Dr. Gingrich. Our training leans more to the classical which is why as soon as we saw this photo we recognized the face that launched a thousand ships of fools.

On The Bright Side, At Least They Decided To Drive, Not Fly

2011-12-27T10:32:00.000-05:00

We see the Mitt Romney dog story is bubbling up again probably because reporters are running out of questions for him to answer every possible way, so we thought since it's sort of a down time between the recently concluded war on Christmas and the impending new year we'd rerun a post from 2007 in which we first remarked on the Mittbot's love for his canine companion. Remember if you haven't read it, it's new to you and we have to get down to the local adult beverage emporium anyway. So without further ado we present Mitt Romney, Dog Lover:

Regular readers of this blog probably need more to do...er...know that here in the marbled halls of IM Central we are big fans of canis familiaris. Specifically, the companion of gods and goddesses, but in truth, we're equal opportunity ear scratchers. So you might imagine our reaction whilst perusing yet another "in depth" press release about presidential candidates, in this case Mitt (tell me what you want to hear) Romney, we ran across this:

Before beginning the drive, Mitt Romney put Seamus, the family's hulking Irish setter, in a dog carrier and attached it to the station wagon's roof rack. He'd built a windshield for the carrier, to make the ride more comfortable for the dog.

See, this is why we drink. People who are this clueless about living beings who are not them should not be allowed out without adult supervision. And by adult supervision we mean anyone capable of tying their own shoes.

Well, as you might imagine, Mitt's excellent adventure didn't turn out so well:

As the oldest son, Tagg Romney commandeered the way-back of the wagon, keeping his eyes fixed out the rear window, where he glimpsed the first sign of trouble. ''Dad!'' he yelled. ''Gross!'' A brown liquid was dripping down the back window, payback from an Irish setter who'd been riding on the roof in the wind for hours.

First of all, who names their kid Tagg? What are the other kids' names? Dodgeball and Hopscotch? Whatever. OK, so here's the Romney clan, merrily motoring down the highway with a dog strapped to the roof of the car so traumatized he has lost control of his bowels. Now, you would think that diarrhea might be a clue for Mr. Mitt that he may have misread the situation vis-a-vis canine travel arrangements. Alas, no, but our humble scribe now steps in to provide the verbiage that explains this little foray into the Mittster's character:

As the rest of the boys joined in the howls of disgust, Romney coolly pulled off the highway and into a service station. There, he borrowed a hose, washed down Seamus and the car, then hopped back onto the highway. It was a tiny preview of a trait he would grow famous for in business: emotion-free crisis management.

"Emotion-free crisis management." In other words, the guy has all the compassion of a box of rocks. But that's not the scary part.

Starting with probably a criminal lack of common sense, Mitty concocted this plan to lash the family pet to the outside of the car, alone, where the noise of the wind, and traffic could proceed to practically scare him to death. Then, faced with he fact that his plan was not proceeding according to his original intent, what did he do? Hosed the dog off, threw him back in the crate and headed off down the highway with a song in his heart and buzzing in his head. In other words, when faced with the need to go to plan B, he chose to stay the course.

Sound familiar?

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-12-23T13:57:00.000-05:00

Well, here we are at the eve of Christmas eve and we here in the marbled halls of IM Central are full of the spirit of the season. In fact we're pretty sure Stolichnaya means merry Christmas in Russian. On second thought since Russia is a heathen nation it probably means something godless like happy holidays, but no matter, we're full of something and feeling rather magnanimous as a result. At least we think that feeling is magnanimosity. Could be the bloody Mary's we had for breakfast talking.

Whatever. The point is that we're even feeling seasonally adjusted when it comes to the overlords and so we thought we'd provide a little video proof of their claim that the units...erm...the dogs always receive the best of care. Sort of a Christmas present to them, Ironicus style. So herewith and without further ado is a little snippet demonstrating how much greyhound pups enjoy their initiation into the exciting world of animal exploitation---tattooing.

Now, to the untrained eye it might appear that our little initiate isn't enjoying the ceremony by which he quits his life as a living creature and becomes a commodity, but that's just because somebody told you "the canine and human anatomy is so similar, that most human medicine has been developed using laboratory testing on dogs. Conversely, veterinarians routinely use human medications (labeled and dosed for animals) on their canine patients," and you think tattooing hurts because you know it would hurt you..

Ha! It's obvious you don't know much about preparing the units for market...uh...we mean training highly prized canine athletes because, as Ms. TheFastdogmom points out in the comments, Circumcision Biotch!! In fact, as Ms. TheFastdogmom points out, many greyhounds don't even yelp. (for the record, at our uh...event analogous to ear tattooing according to TheFastdogmom--we yelped, with a capital YELP!)

Sp we're assuming that on the filming day only a sissy greyhound was available and the camera had to get back to Uncle Bill's before he realized it was gone, so what are you going to do?

So, to wrap up, getting your wanger whacked, getting an ear tattoo, potato, potahto, right Devie?

Devie is a 10 year old girl who did her racing at the Dairyland track in Wisconsin before it closed. She has recently been returned because her owners could no longer care for her. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

We Want You To Come Home, But You May Have To Come In The Back Door

2011-12-21T13:23:00.000-05:00

OK, so we're plunked down in front of the 60" plasma, watching Scott Pelley tell us that even though they'd showed a video of an Australian Navy exercise instead of the North Korean torpedo attack on a South Koren ship (we totally understand. Happens to us all the time) they all work very hard around CBS to ensure accuracy--well except for the guy who's supposed to recognize flags--oh, and when they report about the Occupy movement, or the World Cup, or...well you get the point. Anyway when Scotty got done with his soliloquy on precision they went to commercial and what should drift across our screen but:

Now, frequent reader(s) of this blog will recall that the two greatest lies parents tell their children are there is a Santa Claus and hard work pays off...er...we mean will recall that your humble scribes here in the marbled halls of IM Central are refugees from the church catholic and thus the primary target of the above plaintive request.

You kind of know where this is going, don't you? OK, let's go to the video tape:

The thing opens like a trailer for the next Schwarzenegger movie: "Coming In December...A National Television Event..." The only thing missing is the voice over "TERROR HAS A NEW FACE AND HE'S LOOKING AT YOU!!! COMING IN DECEMBER...THE POPINATOR...THIS TIME IT'S BIBLICAL..."

Cut to soft focus shots of some Mexican folks in native costumes just having a grand old time being catholic, some Africans standing around what looks like a movie set watching a priest, and some guy feeding Asian kids out of the back of a truck.Take away here: Catholics are allowed to dance (subtext: Baptists are lame) Africa is actually in doors, and Asian parents are lazy because they make their kids go get the free food.

Then comes a scene in a catholic hospital which apparently doesn't treat Jews because while the nuns are in the background helping someone who appears to be Wilford Brimley, a sickly looking Hasidic fellow shuffles out unnoticed.

Next up is a shot of a couple of Hispanic looking newlyweds in front of some Spanish cathedral architecture and we're told the church likes to bless marriages, well, some marriages anyway. After that we're whisked to a school with a very Aryan looking teacher (female) in front of a decidedly multi-hued group of students--most of whom appear to be drugged. We're thinking this is not one of the catholic schools in Ireland.

Then the big finish wherein we're told the catholic church was started by Jesus himself (subtext: suck on it protestants) and even though there are a billion of us, we're just like one big family (shot of a priest greeting a family back to church with a quick shaking of dad's hand, then fondly putting his arm around a small child who apparently doesn't realize how much danger she's in).

Finally the obligatory web site and...we're out. So, since the Stoli still hadn't reached optimum temperature yet we decided to visit said web site where we were greeted by Tom Peterson, former advertising executive and founder of Catholics Come Home. It's not clear whether old Tom came home himself, or never left, but anyway, in a rather studied, sort of avuncular manner he wants one and all to know they're welcome back, even if they've never been catholics, which seems to create a philosophical dilemma in that one wonders how one can return to a place one has never been? Well, the church always was better at do as I say, not as I do than doctrinal consistency.

The basic takeaway here seems to be that if you're ethnic (crazy dancing Mexicans, African tribals, or jungle dwelling Asians) we want you, but don't forget it's white folks (priests, nuns and teachers) who run the place.

So, to recap: Let's take Hispanics, Blacks and Asians, put them all in stereotypical situations, show them being ministered to by white people and use that to let the world know we're the new and improved catholic church. On the bright side, you could argue that racism is an improvement over pedophilia.

And Not Only That, They Had The Nerve To Offer Me Domestic Wine With Dinner

2011-12-20T12:37:00.000-05:00

We're coming to you today from the Cry Me A River Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The CMARD is a division of the I Complained I Had No Amedeo Testonis Until I Saw A Man Driving Last Year's Mercedes Corporation in partnership with Is Your House In The Hamptons A Refrigerator Box? Inc.

It seems the patter of the great unwashed has gotten loud enough to be heard over the clink of Swarovski crystal in the club dining room and the patrons are most annoyed.

Jamie Dimon, the highest-paid chief executive officer among the heads of the six biggest U.S. banks, turned a question at an investors’ conference in New York this month into an occasion to defend wealth. “Acting like everyone who’s been successful is bad and because you’re rich you’re bad, I don’t understand it,” the JPMorgan Chase & Co. (JPM) CEO told an audience member who asked about hostility toward bankers. “Sometimes there’s a bad apple, yet we denigrate the whole.”

Ah, the classic "bad apple" defense. We've seen this before. Curious how that aforementioned mysterious "bad apple" always seems to be somewhere else and further, how the innocent victim of said "bad apple's" evil deeds has no idea where, or even who this alleged apple is, and thus must suffer the slings and arrows of misplaced fury. It's as if making $23 million a year is small recompense for the pain and suffering you endure when the corporate jet is in for maintenance and you can't make the opening match at the Australian Open this year. Oh by the way Mr. Dimon, if you ever do find an apple, bad or otherwise, we know about 16 million children who'd like a bite.

If successful businesspeople don’t go public to share theirstories and talk about their troubles, “they deserve whatthey’re going to get,” said Home Depot Inc. (HD) co-founder Bernard Marcus, 82, a founding member ofJob Creators Alliance, a Dallas-based nonprofit that developstalking points and op-ed pieces aimed at “shaping the nationalagenda,” according to the group’s website. He said he isn’tworried that speaking out might make him a target of protesters.
“Who gives a crap about some imbecile?” Marcus said.“Are you kidding me?”

Well said sir. Just one question: When you interviewed the 13.3 million people without jobs, the 3.5 million people who experience homelessness every year, and the 150 million people who are poor or low income, how did you know you'd finally found the one who was an imbecile?

The organization assisted John A. Allison IV, a director of BB&T Corp. (BBT), the ninth-largest U.S. bank, and Staples Inc. co- founder Thomas Stemberg with media appearances this month. “It still feels lonely, but the chorus is definitely increased,” Allison, 63, a former CEO of the Winston-Salem, North Carolina-based bank...

Oh we feel your pain there Johnny. Sort of like those latch key kids who come home to an empty house because their parents are working two or three minimum wage jobs. Oh wait, you have a household staff paid to listen to you if you get bored in the game room. Never mind.

At a lunch in New York, Stemberg and Allison shared theirdisdain for Section 953(b) of the Dodd-Frank Act, which requirespublic companies to disclose the ratio between the compensationof their CEOs and employee medians, according to Allison. Therule, still being fine-tuned by the Securities and ExchangeCommission, is “incredibly wasteful” because it takes up timeand resources, he said.

Can't argue with you there. We mean, the number of people you have to hire to make those numbers look less obscene, and then try to make it sound like you're really worth that much when your company is tanking, well, that's got to eat up something like 0.025% of your bonus or something right?

“Instead of an attack on the 1 percent, let’s call it anattack on the very productive,” Allison said. “This attack isdestructive.”

Oops, sorry Mr. Allison sir. We didn't realize CEO's were the only employees at their corporations. Our bad.

Asked if he were willing to pay more taxes in a Nov. 30 interview with Bloomberg Television, Blackstone Group LP (BX) CEO Stephen Schwarzman spoke about lower-income U.S. families who pay no income tax. “You have to have skin in the game,” said Schwarzman, 64. “I’m not saying how much people should do. But we should all be part of the system.”

Ah, we think we can help you here Mr. Schwarzman. See, income tax is about income and the less income you have, the less tax you pay until you finally get to a point where the government says, "dude, your income is so small why don't you just forget about the tax and go buy an extra can of beans or something?"

Oh, and one other thing, Mr. Schwarzman. That whole poor pay no income taxes thing? That's a dodge created by rich douche bags like you to divert the issue from the fact that most of your income comes from capital gains and doesn't come from doing an honest day's work anyway, plus you can afford a battalion of lawyers and tax accountants to make sure you pay as little as possible, bless your little black heart.

Some of Schwarzman’s capital gains at Blackstone, theworld’s largest private-equity firm, are taxed at 15 percent,not the 35 percent top marginal income-tax rate.

Word.

Attacking thebanking system is a mistake because it contributes to “ahealthier economy,” he said in the interview.

Dude. Look around you. Is this what you call health? Oh wait, you were talking about your economy. Sorry, we misunderstood.

“If I hear a politician use the term ‘paying your fair share’ one more time, I’m going to vomit,” said Tom Golisano, billionaire founder of payroll processer Paychex Inc., who turned 70 last month, celebrating the birthday with girlfriend Monica Seles, the former tennis star who won nine Grand Slam singles titles.

Well, hope you didn't get any on Monica's shoes. On the bright side, at least you have something in your stomach to throw up. Some folks aren't so lucky.

I Am The Lord Thy God, And I Approve This Message

2011-12-19T13:52:00.000-05:00

Frequent reader(s) of this blog are aware that despair is the handmaiden of existence...er...we mean will remember that back before god got distracted by Tim Tebow and was paying attention to the republican primary, we predicted that the line on his three favorites was overrated.

Which brings us to the deity's current thinking vs-a-vis the American political system, namely Newt Gingrich. Now, like we said, god has his hands full getting the Broncos into the playoffs--especially since little Timmy can't seem to throw a pass that doesn't fly like a wounded goose, even with divine help--so the big guy asked one of his spokespersons, Jim Garlow, the pastor of Skyline Church in La Mesa, Calif. to take the holy podium.

“There is a fundamental conflict underway about what kind of country we're going to be,” Garlow wrote in his 9,000-word essay to pastors Saturday. “It is no longer a case of 'right vs. left' as some might say, thus suggesting these two positions are moral equivalents. They are not. It is not “right vs. left,” but “right vs. wrong. Although Mr. Gingrich is not running for 'Theologian-in-Chief' but 'Commander-in-Chief,' he grasps these issues. He understands the moral component.”

Whoa, 9000 words? OK, so you could argue the reverend Jim isn't as succinct as Uber Kommandeur Herr Yahweh, but on the other hand, if you're going to make a moral argument that shows Newty in a good light, well, that's gonna take some time. Just saying.

Garlow has been backing Gingrich for the past few years and has served on the board of one of Gingrich's non-profit organizations, Renewing American Leadership, dedicated to "preserving America's Judeo-Christian heritage."

Now before you get all up on your high horse and start in with the "conflict of interest, conflict of interest" stuff, just take a moment and think about this. Sure the good reverend supped at the Gingrich table of positive cash flow, but that doesn't mean his integrity has been compromised any more than Newty's attack on Freddie and Fannie Mae was compromised by his years as the staff historian. It's called compartmentalization people and we know Pastor G is good at it because he could take Matthew 7:1-2 and wall it off allowing him to

[P]lay a leading role pushing in 2008 pushing for passage of California’s Proposition 8, the ballot initiative that eliminated the right of same sex couples to marry.

Also, too, he speaks for god and whatnot.

“I do not see a separation between “social issues” and “fiscal issues.” I see only “biblical imperatives,” he wrote. “As such, I care about many issues, as do most evangelicals. Along with the sanctity of life and the sacredness of marriage is the biblical command that “thou shalt not steal”…from future generations. Thus, our staggering national debt is not merely a “political” issue. It is a biblical and moral issue. And, as such, our national debt is obscene and immoral. The pulpits of America should thunder with that message.”

OK, so fighting unnecessary wars all over the world? Check. Being asleep at the switch while bankers loot the economy? Check. Having the largest income gap between rich and poor in more than 40 years? Check. Government running a deficit like it has done off and on through history since Alexander Hamilton? SWEET JEBUS ON A POGO STICK!! CALL OUT THE MARINES!!

Er...um...we mean vote for Newt. Look, god's busy trying to get Tebow able to hit the ground with his shoe. Newt's the only other guy who can get us out of this mess. Just ask him if you don't believe us.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-12-16T10:37:00.000-05:00

Last week we told you about the efforts of the overlords in Kansas to bring the exciting, thrilling, action-packed, electrifying, exploitation of innocent animals for profit back to the sunflower state because...um...because...er...well, we guess because it's doing so well in Florida.

Key to the overlords' strategy was convincing the good people of the state that subsidizing the senseless suffering and meaningless deaths of perfectly healthy greyhounds was a viable activity which would accrue benefits to the larger population and not just a way for a few soulless losers to avoid working for a living. Now, since the aforementioned soulless losers had already been told to get a job the last time they asked for the opportunity to exchange the lives of helpless greyhounds for their trailer payments, the first step in the plan was to get the Legislature to revisit the issue that voters had turned down in 2007. So, overlord fellows, how's that working out for you?

Gov. Sam Brownback expressed doubt Thursday state lawmakers had time to devote political energy to an advisory vote in Sedgwick County testing interest in placing slot machines at a dog racetrack.

OK, we're not political scientists or anything, but that doesn't sound good.

"I don't want to address the gaming issue in this next session," Brownback said in an interview. "Start addressing gaming in the Legislature and it sucks all the oxygen out of the place."

We hope the governor is speaking metaphorically there, or it seems the overlords have the same effect on legislators as they have on their canine charges, namely painful suffering and early death.

Tracy Wildey, vice president of the Kansas Greyhound Association, said Wichita Wins would attempt to secure petition signatures of 5,000 people who believe the outcome of the first vote was tainted by a confusing ballot question and think a second public vote on the topic is warranted.

So, Mr. Wildey is going to attempt to find 5,000 people who think greyhound racing is something sentient beings should engage in and who are literate enough to sign their own names? Good luck with that, dude.

Horse and dog racing throughout the state has suffered as track operators closed rather than install slots under a Kansas law requiring operators to surrender 40 percent of slot revenue to the state. Track investors want the state to surrender a portion of their share to improve track profits.

Um...we're not financial wizards or anything, but when investors tell you they're going to need you to give them more money to "improve profits" before they even begin, that's like a red flag or something, right Boss?

Bogus Boss is an extremely shy and gentle boy. Since being placed in a quiet foster home he has starting coming out of his shell. He is beginning to enjoy playing with toys and do puppy-like things. He is playful in yard and with other dogs. If you are missing something around the house, you will want to check his bed as he has become a collector of objects. Bogus Boss does spook easily by loud noises and is very shy of new people. Due to his shyness, he had to be moved from the busy foster home with children to a home with a single elderly person. Bogus Boss would do best in a home with either an elderly person or with a single person or couple with no children. He would do fine in a home with other dogs of any size or as a single dog. He will need to be placed in a home with a person of great patience to understand and work on his shyness. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

America! Motto: We Coulda Been A Contender

2011-12-15T11:27:00.000-05:00

We live in a country where, because of this:

Squeezed by rising living costs, a record number of Americans — nearly 1 in 2 — have fallen into poverty or are scraping by on earnings that classify them as low income.

Things like this happen:

Banks stand to lose millions of dollars in debt repayments if the biggest municipal bankruptcy in American history is allowed to proceed. But the real victims of the financial collapse in the US state of Alabama's most populous county are its poorest residents - forced to bathe in bottled water and use portable toilets after being cut off from the mains supply. And there is widespread anger in Jefferson County that swingeing sewerage rate hikes could have been avoided but for the greed, corruption and incompetence of local politicians, government officials and Wall Street financiers. Mrs Lucas's monthly sewerage rate bills - the amount levied by the county to flush away waste and provide water for baths and showers - has quadrupled in the past 15 years. She says it is currently running at $150 (£97) a month, which leaves little left out of her $600 social security cheque for food and electricity.

And where, what is supposedly the party that is for the people, the democratic party, does this

Senate Democrats are now considering dropping their demand that a payroll tax holiday for workers be offset by imposing a small surtax on millionaires, according to Democratic aides...

And when the party that's supposed to be for the people doesn't respond to what most of the people want, this is our electoral alternative at the moment:

So here's our question: Why bother? You vote for democrats and you get republicans. You vote for republicans and you get republicans.

And here's another question: Why is the story about Tammy Lucas and the rest of the folks in Alabama who have had the invisible hand of the free market turn off their water supply only being reported in the foreign press?

Also, too.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-12-09T10:36:00.001-05:00

Hey did you hear? The economy's getting better. Well, except for the part that isn't. OK, the point is, if there's even a glimmer of hope that America isn't about to become a dystopian desertscape of ruined cities full of marauding packs of feral children abandoned to a Lord of the Flies existence when all the adults were killed off in the last great resource war the overlords figure people will want to renew their commitment to watching innocent animals suffer needless injury and die painful meaningless deaths because...entertainment! Right Tracy Wildey?

"Well, obviously it's at Wichita Greyhound Park and Phil Ruffin is the owner of the greyhound park," says Wildey. "So he is the one that would put the money out." The money would be an investment of $100 Million. So, with an investor in place, the "grassroots" group called WichitWins wants to get slots at the dog track back into the hands of voters. Voters said no in 2007.

Can't argue with that logic Mr. Wildey. It says Greyhound Park right up there on the sign, so greyhounds it is. Well, and slots which is, of course, implied by the greyhound sign, so it's not like you're changing anything, you know, logical wise and all that. That whole voters said no thing seems to be a bit of a hiccup though, don't you think?

"We believe voters were very distinct in not wanting a casino in Sedgwick County," explains Wildey. "However we don't believe that the track question on electronic games at the race track was clear. That question lost by less than 250 votes so our answer is: We would like more of a clear vote on that."

Understandable, understandable. After all, the folks in Sedgwick County said "no" to you in 2007, but that could be misconstrued as indicating they meant "no." Definitely needs to be cleared up. Hey, who knows how many of those 250 folks have died or moved away, right?

"The complex would feature wagering on greyhound dog racing, slot machine gaming and other amenities," explains Wildey. "It would create 500 new jobs and produce new tax revenue for the state of Kansas."

Hmm...that sounds a little rosy. You must not be using the Florida model as your predictive basis.

"Greyhound racing is a dying industry. Since 2004, tax revenue from live dog racing has declined by 72 percent and paid attendance dropped 69 percent."

Darn. If only that sign didn't say Greyhound Park they might be able to come up with something that might actually make a little money, huh Tipsy?

Tipsy is very playful and snuggly. He has a lot of energy for a senior dog. He is friendly and affectionate—he will look for people if they’ve left the room. He will approach to have his ears scratched. He smiles when it is supper time. Tipsy would do well in a working family home with older, well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Welcome to America, Inc.

2011-12-08T10:55:00.001-05:00

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know dreams don't die, they simply get misplaced as disappointments pile up around them...er...we mean know that we hale from the Volunteer state and even though we came north years ago, still like to look back in fondness on the old sod. Well, usually we're just making fun of the bubbas in their attempts recapture the magic of the 19th century but, giving credit where credit is due, we suddenly realized after running across this that Tennessee is on the cutting edge of the creation of the new America.

A Tennessee couple helplessly watched their home burn to the ground, along with all of their possessions, because they did not pay a $75 annual fee to the local fire department.

See, now in the old, antiquated America folks--or as those political scholars in the Tea Party like to call them--the We The People got together to decide on things that were good for the whole community--like say a fire department--then as a community they would contribute to the maintenance of those "common goods" through the collection of taxes.

Shoot. Where's the profit in that?

South Fulton Mayor David Crocker defended the fire department, saying that if firefighters responded to non-subscribers, no one would have an incentive to pay the fee.

Oh you don't have to convince us Mayor Crocker, we mean, what's the point of having a government at all if it's going to be off doing things like putting out fires, maintaining the roads, police, schools and on and on. Cripes, you think the Founding Fathers created executive, legal and legislative institutions to ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare and secure the blessing of liberty to ourselves and our posterity? That's crazy talk, man!

Vicky Bell told the NBC affiliate WPSD-TV that she called 911 when her mobile home in Obion County caught fire. Firefighters arrived on the scene but as the fire raged, they simply stood by and did nothing.

Now, some may ask why the firemen showed up in the first place if they never intended to put out the fire. Well, that's obvious isn't it? If you had a chance to drive a firetruck around town with lights and sirens, wouldn't you do it in a heartbeat? Plus when you get to the fire you don't have to do anything. Win win!

The South Fulton policy produced precisely the same nightmare scenario last year, when homeowner Gene Cranick--who had likewise failed to pay the $75 annual fee for rural Obion County residents--saw his house engulfed by flames as South Fulton firefighters watched close by.

Well, all we can say is some people never learn.

That incident sparked a debate among conservative pundits over the limits of fee-for-service approaches to government.

Debate huh? That's odd. We would think conservatives would be behind this sort of thing. Self reliance, small government, get out of the way of the free market and all that. Let's ask one of the debaters to clarify. Kevin Williamson, would you indulge us?

The world is full of jerks, freeloaders, and ingrates — and the problems they create for themselves are their own. These free-riders have no more right to South Fulton's firefighting services than people in Muleshoe, Texas, have to those of NYPD detectives."

Right on Mr. Williamson. Andrew Jackson couldn't have said it better, or maybe that was Teddy Roosevelt. Yeah, it was Teddy Roosevelt. It's like you're channeling him, Mr. Williamson.

In Which Tony Perkins Produces An Outcome He Didn't Intend

2011-12-07T11:22:00.001-05:00

We're coming to you today from the Department of Theology here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The Department of Theology is located in the Center for the Co-opting of Religion to Suit Your Biases which is part of the College of Thank God Jesus Can't Speak For Himself.

While slooshing the inter toobz this morning we ran across this:

Jesus was a free marketer, not an Occupier

written by well known theologian and leading explainer of "What Jesus Really Meant To Say" Tony Perkins whom-we hasten to point out-is not a bigot according to Bill Donahue, a man who has more experience with bigotry than almost anyone else in the country. We mention this because one of the measures of one's gravitas in the field is the stature of those who vouch for him.

OK, so Perkins explains that Jesus was not an occupier, which would probably explain why he got so upset with the money lenders occupying the temple. Pretty straightforward, except that since the SEC hadn't been invented yet we have to assume the money lenders were in there lending money at totally free market rates, so we have a bit of a conundrum, or as Mr. Perkins might say, something I'll make up stuff about later.

As Jesus was about to enter Jerusalem for the last time, just before his crucifixion, he was keenly aware that his disciples greatly desired and even anticipated that the kingdom of God was going to be established immediately on the earth.

Unfortunately Paul missed that meeting.

The apostle Paul also expected a quick return. Although he apparently never met Jesus, he knew about the promised return, and he expected to live long enough to see it happen. In 1Corinthians 7:29-31 he says that the time is so short that believers must drastically change the way they live.

But we have to assume he did get the memo:

Matthew 16:28, in which (Jesus) says "I tell you the truth, some who are standing here will not taste death before they see the Son of Man coming in his kingdom." Another example is found at Luke 21:32, where he says "I tell you the truth, this generation will certainly not pass away until all these things have happened." He makes similar statements in Luke 9:27 and Mark 9:1.

Well, it seems we have another conundrum on our hands, but since Mr. Perkins is much more intelligent than Paul was, having graduated from Liberty University with a BS (no pun intended) he knows which of Christ's positions is the right one.

As a way to break the news that it wasn't going to happen in the manner and with the timing they expected, Jesus pulled them aside and gave them instructions by way of a parable. The primary purpose of the parable, which appears in the Gospel of Luke, was to make clear to his disciples that the kingdom of God would not be physically established on the earth for some time and that, until then, they were being entrusted with certain responsibilities. Here's the direct quote from Luke: "He called his ten servants, and gave to them ten minas, one mina each (a mina today would be worth around $225), and he then told them to 'Occupy till I come.' "

Oh Jesus you scamp! Always with the parables. Now, we're tempted (Get it? Tempted. Because we're writing about religious matters and such. This blog has layers, man, layers!) So we're tempted to say Mr. Perkins is about to tell us Jesus would be for the Occupy movement because he uses the word occupy in his story, but for a guy so close to Jesus he gets a bad taste in his mouth every time the J mans burps, we figure there's got to be more to the story.

No, the Greek term behind the old English translation literally means "be occupied with business."

Right. Which is why Jesus owned a Subway franchise in Judea.

From a spiritual perspective, the mina in this parable represents the opportunity of life; each of us is given the same opportunity to build our lives, and each of us shares the same responsibility to invest our lives for the purpose of bringing a return and leaving a legacy.

Wait. So now you're saying Jesus would support the people in the occupy movement who are investing their lives in bringing about economic justice and leaving a legacy of equality and fairness?

The fact that Jesus chose the free market system as the basis for this parable should not be overlooked.

Really? We're supposed to take the point of the parable symbolically, but the topic literally? Man! This bible study stuff is confusing. Can we go back to when we just had conundrums?

The third servant in the story had apparently either slept through his economics course or was just indifferent to the work delegated to him. He had essentially kept the capital entrusted to him under his mattress for safekeeping. The employee review is immediate and intense: "Out of your own mouth will I judge you, you wicked servant." The king's disappointment and frustration are nearly palpable. "Why didn't you at least put the money in the bank and draw interest?" the king inquires. While such language might prompt an HR complaint today, its meaning was quite clear to the disciples. There are no excuses for doing nothing.

"There are no excuses for doing nothing." So the big J would have been out there in Zicotti Park. Whew! Thanks for clearing that up Mr. P.

Some would argue that such an approach encourages abuses, the likes of which we have seen on Wall Street. While some egregious abuses have taken place, they are not inevitable or intrinsic to free enterprise.

Gotcha! And as long as there are abuses, we need to be out there doing something about them. No excuses for doing nothing and all that. You know, you could have just said the in the first place.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-12-02T10:04:00.001-05:00

Well we're officially into the War on Christmas season now and we here in the marbled halls of IM Central want to say that we are full of the spirit of the year. No, not that spirit, that spirit. OK the other spirit too, but that's not our point. What we mean to say is that in keeping with the zeit of the geist we are all about peace on earth and goodwill towards men. Ah, we're more than happy to display some goodwill towards women too, but Mrs. IM keeps us on a pretty short leash in that area.

Now, frequent reader(s) of this blog know that happiness is the drape covering the window of despair...er...we mean know that on FHB days we generally take the overlords to task for purporting to have souls while acting in ways that would make them unwelcome in a neighborhood of scorpions. Not this week. This week in honor of the season we bring you a story of overlord commitment, selflessness and love for their furry charges.

Eleven Greyhounds are in need of new homes, all of them found abandoned outside of a 7-11 in Wichita Falls.

"Abandoned?" Come on. Typical journalistic hyperbole. Always trying to sensationalize the story, huh? We'd bet there's a perfectly legitimate explanation.

"The trailer they were being carried in, a dog trailer had a flat tire and the person had left it there," says Katrena Mitchell, the Animal Services Administrator of the Wichita Falls Animal Service Center.

Ha! What'd we tell you? Flat tire. Perfectly common occurrence. Happens every day. Where's your "abandoned" now Ms. gin up controversy where there is none reporter person? Huh? What do you have to say for yourself?

It was about 36-40 hours before the dogs were discovered when the trailer was being impounded.

There. See? This would be a non-story if you hadn't been lurking around like a buzzard waiting to pounce on the situation and make something out of...uh...out of...did you say 36 to 40 hours? That can't be right. You're making that up. We know, let's hear from the owner. It's just a little bit strange don't you think, that all this drama is being whipped up and no one has let the poor owner have a say. Afraid that will ruin your little controversy, Ms. who cares about the facts reporter person?

"The information that we could gather from the trailer, that the tags came back to an owner or anything, was all a dead end,"Mitchell says.

Oh sure, take the easy way out. Have you considered the CIA? Have you considered Al Qaeda? ALIENS? A person doesn't just disappear and leave their dogs in a parking lot. These dogs represent years of effort in training, care not to mention money. They're professional athletes for crying out loud. Would you expect to find a bus load of NFL players abandoned in a parking lot by the team owner? Foul play is at work here Ms. ignore the obvious reporter person. Or maybe you want to ignore the facts. Maybe you know exactly what happened to this hapless overlord, but your corporate masters won't let you tell.

There's a conspiracy afoot here Butternut. X Files stuff we're sure.

Butternut is a bouncy, friendly, and very sociable girl who enjoys meeting and hanging out with people and other dogs. She loves to go for a good walk and also race around in the yard. She will play ball with herself, pouncing on it and picking it up in her mouth. Then she settles in for a good nap. Butternut does fine with other dogs but would probably also be fine as an only dog. She does not like to be crated so would do best in either a non-working home or in a home where she can have free range of the house or be confined a one room with a gate. She would do well in a home with well-behaved children. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

WWJD*

2011-12-01T11:12:00.001-05:00

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know increased expectations is the reef that sinks the ship of effort when it ventures from the waters of mediocrity...erm...we mean know that occasionally we like to trot our little heathen heinnies over to the holy side of the inter toobz and see what the community of the saved is up to.

A vote to bar interracial couples from a small church in eastern Kentucky has triggered hand-wringing and embarrassment.

Well, as long as the hands being wrung belong to the same race we should be OK, but here's our question: Since when do churches get to vote on stuff? Admittedly, we haven't been paying a lot of attention lately, but god never struck us as a participatory management kind of guy, you know?

Nine members of Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church backed their former pastor, with six opposed, in Sunday's vote to bar interracial couples from church membership and worship activities. Funerals were excluded.

Funerals exempted huh? Well, that makes sense we guess. After all, if you're part of an interracial couple and one of you dies, you're not interracial anymore. Problem solved, welcome back to the brotherhood. By the way, god loves you again.

The vote was taken after most of the 40 people who attended Sunday services had left the church in Pike County, near the border with West Virginia. Many members left to avoid the vote.

Well, of course they left. The last thing god wants you to do is stand up for your beliefs. Just ask those guys...whatchamacallits...um...you know...the guys, you know...oh heck, what were they called? Martyrs, yeah, the martyrs, you know, those guys.

At services earlier this year, Stella Harville, 24, who is working on her master's degree in optical engineering, sang "I Surrender All" with her fiance, Ticha Chikuni, 29, a Zimbabwe native, according to her father. Chikuni, an employee at Georgetown College in Kentucky, played the piano.

Hey, who wouldn't be upset at a couple of college hippies taking over the bandstand. Probably played that rock and roll after they smoked some of the marijuana too.

"There didn't appear to be any problem," said longtime church official Dean Harville said on Wednesday. "None whatsoever." But Harville said pastor Melvin Thompson told him the couple would not be allowed to sing at the church again. Thompson resigned in August but would not drop the issue.

Um...if Pastor Melvin resigned, why does anyone give a corn fart what he thinks?

Thompson told a local radio outlet, "I do not believe in interracial marriages, and I do not believe this (ban) will give our church a black eye at all."

Oops. Pardon us there padre. We didn't realize that religion was all about what you believed. That whole bible and ten commandments guide for living thing must have confused us there for a minute. Oh, and the black eye thing? Shouldn't be a problem if you ignore all the people who stop by to point and laugh.

*Who Would Jesus Dump

Dear Governor Brownback...

2011-11-28T10:24:00.001-05:00

We have recently been made aware of your traumatic experience at the hands of Emma Sullivan, whom to all outward appearances seems to be a high school senior, but is apparently a weapons grade Twitter Terrorist. Now, as educational technicians we should tell you that we have on more than on occasion suffered the slings and arrows of outrageous diction from certain elements of the teen aged population and thus our advice comes from a wealth of experience. To wit:

Grow a pair.

See, young people, particularly young people with 140 characters tend not to be overly explanatory in their critiques of various policies and positions, so instead of "I find Governor Brownback's policies to be regressive, ill conceived and patently unfair, more than likely resulting in the exact opposite outcome to that which he intends," you get "Dude blows." Now, while this particular expression may be lacking in nuance, it succinctly contains the author's studied conclusion vis-a-vis your leadership of the state, and since--as we understand it--this particular interpretation of your administration was broadcast to a grand total of 60 people, well, as our old daddy used to say, we feel for you...but we just can't reach you.

Now, you may plead ignorance to the whole thing and say it was your director of communications Sherienne Jones-Sontag, who responded to the Tweet as part of routine media monitoring, but that just makes it seem like you're the type of guy that lets other people fight his battles. Pretty lame Mr. Governor sir, pretty lame. And if you're so concerned about what the media are saying about you that you routinely monitor it clear down to tweets from teenagers, why not just have a contest where you give away something to people who "like" your Facebook page. You'll get plenty of friends that way.

See, here's the thing about insults from teenagers: They have a very short shelf life. It's sort of like you're walking down the street and a car full of kids goes by. One of the occupants recognizes you, rolls down the window and shouts some appropriately inappropriate comment like "Neanderthal," or "Hey Brownie, evolve this!" and almost before you register the comment the carload of now giggling post-pubescents is around the corner and gone, their contribution to political discourse fading away on the breeze, their attention now focused on some new shiny thing because Governor Brownback here's the truth: Teenagers are natural existentialists who emphasize the uniqueness and isolation of the individual experience in a hostile or indifferent universe. That hostile or indifferent universe thing, Governor? That would be you.

So you violated the first rule of responding to high school insults which is, don't respond to high school insults, and by so doing, we are sorry to say Mr. Governor sir, you have validated the comment because only someone who truly blows would put up such a fuss over being informed of the obvious. Not only that, but you've managed to drag poor Principal Karl R. Krawitz into the mess causing him to forget the first thing they teach you in teacher school, namely, don't make a rule you can't enforce.

This is well and truly a mess Governor and there is only one way out of it now, which is to punish the snot out of this little girl, thus proving to yourself that you are an upstanding man of principle who demands the respect that he has earned, and showing everyone else that Emma pretty much got it right.

Your friend,
Ironicus Maximus

PS: As for you Principal Krawitz, given the speed with which you abandoned Emma and rushed to jam your nose up Brownback's butt we pretty much figure you don't have much credibility left to lose, so do what you want, Emma's already learned a valuable lesson from you about adults and trust.

UPDATE: Brownback engages in rhetorical ju jitsu, apologizes to Emma. Well played, sir, well played. Krawitz last seen crying in boy's locker room.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-11-25T11:51:00.001-05:00

We're having a little trouble rousing ourselves from the tryptophan induced coma we entered yesterday, so we may not be understanding this completely, but it seems the overlords are starting a tee vee network to broadcast unit exploitation...erm...greyhound racing into every home and hearth with an antenna.

RACING POST is delighted to announce the return of live greyhound racing into homes across the UK and Ireland from mid-December, with the launch of a new three-times-a-week programme.

OK, now we're not marketing experts or anything, but it seems like you folks have enough trouble convincing people with souls that putting innocent dogs in danger of injury and death so you don't have to get your feet wet in the labor pool is a valid career choice for someone who is supposedly a member of the human race. You sure you want to show them stuff like this, and this, and this, not to mention this? Not likely to bring people to the track in droves, unless it's with pitchforks and torches. Just saying.

Kevan Moretti, Racing Post’s head of business-to-business services and executive producer for the new programme, commented:“This is a terrific opportunity to help re-energise greyhound racing, and help popularise greyhound ownership.

Well, you might have a point there about popularizing greyhound ownership. When actual human beings see what other supposed human beings are doing to innocent animals for the express purpose of sucking a few bucks off them, they're likely to say, Holy Crap! We have to get those dogs out of there before those heartless bags of wasted protein can hurt any more. That could work.

Hey Beta, ever hear of the law of unintended consequences?

This very playful and affectionate girl will lay her head on your lap and puts her nose in your face to let you know she wants snuggle time. She rolls on her back to have her belly scratched. She loves to be chased around outside. She can be a bit shy at first with new people and situations but gets past it quickly. Hag Beta Girl is also very sociable with other dogs. Hag Beta Girl would do fine in a home with older children. She has had no exposure to children under 12. She is fine with dogs of all sizes. She would probably due well as an only dog as she craves lots of human attention. She does well in her crate so would be fine in a working family. She is a bit shy of men at first but warms up to them quickly. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

What Are You Thankful For, Amerika?

2011-11-24T09:12:00.001-05:00

BREAKING: Fox Viewers Dumber Than People Who Live In Caves; In Other News Hot Soup Declared "Hot"

2011-11-22T12:27:00.000-05:00

We're coming to you today from the Department Of The Painfully Obvious here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DOTPO is a division of the Lack Of Spelling Ability Should Have Been A Clue Company in partnership with We Don't Need No Education, Inc.

It seems yet another study has shown that when it comes to having a grip on the complex, fast changing events in the world today, viewers of the Fox News Network would be better off blowing up their teevees.

A new Fairleigh Dickinson PublicMind Poll finds that the Sunday morning political shows on television "do the most to help people learn about current events, while some outlets, especially Fox News, lead people to be even less informed than those who they don't watch any news at all."

Now, right off the bat we have to say that if you measure helping people learn about current events by using the Sunday morning political shows, you've already set the bar pretty low, but in defense of Fox viewers we have to at least speculate that their attention is often diverted from the screen because they're are also reading Bill O'Reilly's book.

"For example, people who watch Fox News, the most popular of the 24-hour cable news networks, are 18-points less likely to know that Egyptians overthrew their government than those who watch no news at all (after controlling for other news sources, partisanship, education and other demographic factors). Fox News watchers are also 6-points less likely to know that Syrians have not yet overthrown their government than those who watch no news."

Now that's a pretty unfair comparison there because Fox viewers know there is only one country over in the brown part of the world and it's called Sharia and it wants to blow up all of our MacDonalds and secretly feed us halal until we become Muslim communists. We bet if you asked about some domestic issue Fox viewers would be much better informed, right Megyn Kelly?

Somewhere, Edward R Murrow is trying to hang himself.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-11-18T12:30:00.000-05:00

We're coming to you today from the We Couldn't Have Said It Any Better, Except We'd Never Say Anything That Stupid Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. WCHSIABEWNSATS is a division of the Know Your Audience Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Note To Self, Breathe, NA.

Every once in a while some overlord's brain fires on most synapses for a minute or two and it occurs to them that if their brethren and sisteren are as stupid as they are, there may be a way to take advantage of that. The "advantage" usually takes the form of "Hot Tips," or "Betting secrets of the rich and famous," or "How I made enough at the dog track to afford glass in the windows of my trailer," which, for a nominal sum our occasionally lucid master prognosticator will unleash upon the great unwashed.

Which brings us to Joe, who in spite of his rather simple moniker, is a whiz at eyeballing a winning dog, and because Joe is the type of person he is, will now share the secret to riches and fame at the dog track with those of you for whom cat food is a gustatory step up. Take it away Joe.

The simplest way to bet on greyhound racing is to back a dog to win. Pick one of the six runners and just tell the Tote how much you want to put on. It’s as simple as that.

There you have it ladies and gentlemen, wisdom of the ages laid bare before you. In order to win at the dog track all you have to do it bet on the dog that wins the race. As our Sensei Joe opines, "It's that simple."

You can also back a dog to finish in the top two (called a place bet) but the odds will be much shorter.

Life is truly a wondrous myriad of choices is it not? You can bet on a dog to not win, but if you do, you won't get as much money because...and here we can forgive our racetrack Sherpa Joe for slipping into technical jargon and say it simply as he would wish--the dog didn't win.

But there are other ways to improve your odds and boost your potential returns. The first of these is called a forecast and it involves picking the winner and the runner-up.

Do you see now why Joe has made it his life mission to guide us through this labyrinth of options and possibilities? How much more exciting and meaningful is it to "forecast" which dog will win and which dog will not, than only to pick the dog that will win, or pick the dog that will not win? Sweet Jebus and a sugar cone, is there no limit to this man's perspicuity?

If you are feeling really adventurous, you can go for what’s called a trio. This is very similar to a forecast but you select the top three dogs.

No! How can this be? A third option? Joe, our cup truly runneth over. Why, it's almost like you could bet on any dog you wanted.

Don’t worry if you don’t know one end of a dog from another, the Tote offers a quickpick function like the Lotto to help you hit that particular jackpot.

Oh now you've gone too far Joe. It's like you grabbed us as we walked by the track and started stuffing money in our pockets. The Lotto? It's like the Lotto? Who hasn't hit the Lotto. It's like they're giving away free money huh Larry?

Larry has a puppy-like, affectionate personality and craves attention. He loves to play with toys and go for walks. He is a very bright boy and will be able to learn basic commands with ease. He gets along well with his foster family and the other Greyhounds and cats in the home. Would do well as an only dog as he is very assertive for attention. He does fine in the crate. He has not had any exposure to children. He has an allergy issue so he will need someone willing to deal with this issue and administer medication. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Shower Rooms! Why Didn't We Think of That?

2011-11-17T11:23:00.001-05:00

Well here's a headline we never thought we'd see:

Bishops offer Penn State help to prevent abuse

It appears to be yet another example of, as we like to say around here, ironicus at its maximus.Oh we know what you're thinking, "Come on Ironicus, the best way to prevent burglaries is to hire and ex burglar to head up your security." Yeah. We get that. Trouble is, last time we checked there was nothing "ex" about the fondness of poppa Bene's boys for the prepubescent set...if you get our drift, so we're thinking fox, meet hen house. But let's see what the good folks at Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan's Club for Overly Friendly Single Men has to say.

The erupting scandal at Penn State brought the horrors of the Catholic clerical sex abuse crisis back into the headlines this month and it made the bishops freshly "bow our heads in shame and contrition," said Archbishop of New York Timothy Dolan, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, at the annual fall meeting in Baltimore on Monday.

Brought back into the headlines? Dude, brought back from like two days ago? And by the way, one man's bowed head in shame is another's perp walk with your cassock over your head. Just saying.

The bishops, whose policies and secrecy once allowed abuse to fester for decades, set forth in 2002 to create model screening programs and "safe environment training" for abuse protection and prevention.

Yeah. So how's that working out for you? Not as helpful as the statute of limitations, huh?

Dolan said more than once that the Church is "timid about giving advice," but it stands ready to join any groups that want to take on this society-wide problem.

Groups you should join, groups you should join...hmm...we're thinking NAMBLA padre. What you got in mind?

"We haven't been a good example in the past but we are trying to become one," he said.

In a related story, the vatican announced today that they were starting a summer sports camp for boys aged 9 -12 in the summer of 2013.

This Should Not Be Surprising. We Live In A Country That Puts Chocolate On Its Bacon*

2011-11-16T11:00:00.001-05:00

We're coming to you today from the Department of Nutritional Dadaism here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DOND is part of the Now Will You Eat Your Vegetables Company, in partnership with How Do You Like Me Now, Mother That Made Me Eat My Peas, LLC.

It seems that even though our Congress may shy away from daunting tasks like helping people stay in their houses, have a job that pays for more than the gas it takes to get back and forth to it, and not starve to death in the cold after they retire because they're too ill to keep working, they're not afraid to stand up to the powerful broccoli lobby.

In an effort many 9-year-olds will cheer, Congress wants pizza and french fries to stay on school lunch lines and is fighting the Obama administration’s efforts to take unhealthy foods out of schools. The bill also would allow tomato paste on pizzas to be counted as a vegetable.

"Hey, come on," said one Republican Legislator. "Most of the kids are already fat by the time they get to school. What are we supposed to do? Change their minds? Look. If they're smart enough to evaluate the arguments for creationism and evolution, they're smart enough to decide what to eat."

USDA spokeswoman Courtney Rowe said Tuesday that the department will continue its efforts to make lunches healthier. “While it’s unfortunate that some members of Congress continue to put special interests ahead of the health of America’s children, USDA remains committed to practical, science-based standards for school meals,” she said in a statement.

"Wait. Isn't that what we're supposed to be doing?" Asked one republican legislative aide who asked not to be named. "I thought we were supposed to put special interests ahead of everything. Well, everything except special interests with bigger bank accounts."

Nutrition advocate Margo Wootan of the Center for Science in the Public Interest said “They are making sure that two of the biggest problems in the school lunch program, pizza and french fries, are untouched.”

"That's not true at all," said a republican member of the Agriculture committee who Tweeted his comments from the drive through at Wendy's. "It's not about leaving pizza and fries untouched. It's about making sure none of those nancy-boy dishes get in. Parents! Do you really want your kid eating a salad for lunch? A salad! No wonder there's bullying in school."

A group of retired generals advocating for healthier school lunches alsocriticized the spending bill. The group, called Mission: Readiness, hascalled poor nutrition in school lunches a national security issue because obesity is the leading medical disqualifier for military service.

"Oh I hear that," said presidential candidate Newt Gingrich. Do you know how hard it was for me to get out of serving in Viet Nam? If all I had to do was be fat it would have made things a whole lot easier."

“This agreement ensures that nutrient-rich vegetables such as potatoes, corn and peas will remain part of a balanced, healthy diet in federally funded school meals and recognizes the significant amounts of potassium, fiber and vitamins A and C provided by tomato paste, ensuring that students may continue to enjoy healthy meals such as pizza and pasta,” said Kraig Naasz, president of the American Frozen Food Institute.

"And not only that, but when you take into account the fat, the salt, the empty calories, the sugar, well, you're looking at solving the social security funding crisis because most of these kids will be long dead before they get to 65. Win win, no?" Naasz added.

*Oh yes we do.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-11-11T09:07:00.001-05:00

Whoa! Friday again already? Man, that time change stuff is BRUTAL! Fall back, spring forward, daylight savings, standard time, no more GMT, whatever whatever whatever. We'd just as soon stay in bed until you folks get it all straightened out. Or summer. Summer is good. Is it true that they just turn off their clocks in Alaska this time of year?

Well, no matter. It seems that even though approximately 162 hours have slipped by us--through no fault of the good folks at Moscow State Wine Warehouse No. 1, or as we like to call them, Столичная we hasten to add--it seems the overlords barely noticed America's biannual chronological hiccup.

The Daytona Beach Kennel Club and Poker Room has halted the use of a termite pesticide on its dogs.

Um...excuse us, we must be a bit fuzzy from the recently concluded temporal shift. It sounded like you just said you've halted the use of a termite pesticide on your dogs.

The chapter used a solution of equal parts Termidor, alcohol and water on the coats of the club's dogs as a flea and tick repellent, Donnellon said. Dan Francati, general manager of the Kennel Club and Poker Room, confirmed using the solution.

"Look, the kennels are infested with termites and the dogs are infested with fleas and ticks," Francati told reporters. "Potato, potahto, that's all. Besides, Termidor is one of the safest insecticides you can have. Well, except for the whole thyroid cancer thing. Do greyhounds even have thyroids?"

Patrick Donnellon, a former three-year employee of the club's Greyhound Pets of America chapter, filed complaints against the club after he said he was fired in September for objecting to the use of Termidor, a termite insecticide, on retired racing dogs' backs.

"Fired is such a negative word," Francati said. "We prefer to think of it as separated for differences in training philosophies. I mean, the dogs are only useful for a couple of years at best. Any health issues caused by dousing them in termite insecticide probably aren't going to show up until way after we're done with them."

Sterling Ivey, a spokesman with the Department of Agriculture, said Termidor is not authorized for use on animals and its use would represent a violation of pesticide-use laws. "Applicators do not have the latitude to take a product labeled and registered for one use and mix it for an unlabeled use, even if the active ingredient is the same," Ivey said in an email. "Products are registered as a formulation, with inert ingredients that may change the behavior of the product when not used as intended."

"Hey. What do you want from me?" Francati said. "It took me three years to get out of tenth grade fer chrissakes. Does that sound like chemistry major material to you?"

Well, can't argue with the man there, huh KB?

KB is a laid-back handsome boy who is very curious about everything that is going on. You know for sure that he is excited or happy when his right ear sticks up and tips back. KB’s friendly and will come up and lean on his foster parents as well as the other dogs. While looking for attention, he will put his nose in your face. This boy loves food! If someone is in the kitchen, he will follow in the hope of getting some tasty morsels. He would do fine as an only dog in a working family. KB would do fine in a home with children over 10. He has not had any exposure to younger children but would probably be fine depending on their maturity level. Does fine in his crate. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-11-04T12:24:00.000-04:00

We're coming to you today from the Lie Down With Dogs, Get Up With Fleas Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. LDWDGUWF is part of the What Did You Expect Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Tell Us Something We Don't Know, NA.

It seems overlords all over the world have the same difficulty. Of course when you think that the heartless exploitation and brutal abuse of innocent animals is a career choice, we shouldn't be surprised when certain higher level moral concepts like say, following the rules escapes their grasp.

Top greyhound racing administrator John McArthur has resignedfrom the Racing Integrity Unit (RIU) after one of his dogs testedpositive for morphine.

We'll give you a minute to recover from the shock of seeing the phrase "greyhound racing" and "integrity" within six miles of one another.

While we're waiting let's take a look at some of the "integrity" in greyhound racing. Here's some, and here, and here, oh and let's not forget here.

OK, got your breath back? Now, aside from the surprising juxtaposition of vocabulary, you're probably thinking overlord, criminal activities, where's the news in that? Well, it seems the Racing Integrity Board of which Mr. McArthur is the erstwhile head is charged with investigating allegations of misdeeds in the racing industry.Yes, the guy responsible for making sure everybody plays by the rules...broke the rules.

That is, as we like to say around here, ironicus at its maximus.

So, you're thinking come on, it can't be that simple. A man can't rise to the exalted position of Administrator of the Racing Integrity Board with such a gaping flaw in his character that would allow such a deed. There's got to be more to the story.

Well, your first mistake is assuming this man has character, but in the interests of fairness we'll let Mr. McArthur tell his side of the story:

A statement from GRNZ said the morphine found in Miss Gigi'ssystem was suspected to have come from poppy seed in bread.

Oh, why didn't you say so? That's perfectly understandable. Why, the same thing happened to Elaine. Much ado about nothing, huh KB?

KB is a four year old girl who ran her races (all 34 of them) in Florida. Apparently she wasn't even interesting enough to be sent back to the farm to become a baby factory (lucky for her) because she was released to the adoption groups after she came in eighth out of eight in her last race. Here's one of her races. She comes out of box five, gets jostled a bit and finishes seventh.

For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

God Told Me To Take Your Lunch Money

2011-11-03T13:05:00.001-04:00

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the true path to happiness is beset by the IED's of circumstance...erm...we mean know that we here in the marbled halls of IM Central call the Water Winter Wonderland our home. Si quaeris peninsulam amoenam circumspice. Represent, yo?

Anyway, like many other states in what's left of this once great union of states, voters here saw fit to elect a full clown posse to the legislature in the last excuse for an election. Now, in defense of our home state we have to say that our clown posse isn't as...well, clownish as some states. That whole zygotes are people thing comes to mind, and no matter what you say about Michigan, at least we're not Alabama.

Of course we're not Vermont either, so when our own duly elected little band of unmedicated certifiables decided to tackle the issue of bullies, what did we get?

Senate Democrats condemned Republicans for gutting a supposed "anti-bullying" bill that passed out of committee with bi-partisan support and turning it into legislation that gives students a license to bully. Under the Republican substitute to SB 137, a bully could continue to harass a student for any perceived bias and simply cite a "moral conviction" as a basis for doing so.

OK, so you can't physically or mentally abuse another person, unless you have a moral conviction? Most states would give bullies a misdemeanor conviction, but you're saying if the bully can find some religious foundation for giving a kid a swirly, that's all right? You sure that's the argument you want to go with? We mean, we're not bible scholars or anything but we're pretty sure Jesus never said love your neighbor as yourself, unless he's a homo or something, then bust him up.

Democrats attempted to move a more comprehensive bill that would prohibit bullying for any reason, however, this attempt to protect students failed to gain the Republican support needed to bring the all-inclusive Democratic bill up for a vote. Several Democratic amendments to improve the legislation were also defeated by the Republican majority.

"It's not really bullying if you do it in god's name," said one republican legislator who asked not to be identified.

We're Not Too Keen On Your God, But We'll Take Your Money

2011-11-02T15:42:00.001-04:00

OK, according to the great tradition of political debate in these here United States, the democratic party has been thought of as the liberal, tax and spend, create a mommy state, maybe not red but certainly pinko party, while the republican party has been the corporate lapdog, I got mine, blow it up and ask questions later, white's all right party.

So when a proposal is put forward by democrats it can be criticized as another attempt to redistribute the wealth from those who built this country to those undeserving masses who probably don't want to work anyway, and when a proposal is put forward by the republican party it can be criticized as another attempt to keep people down, and institutionalize the policy of privatizing profits while socializing losses.

Of course if none of that seems to be working you can always play the Hindu card.

Gov. Steve Beshear (D-KY) is heavily favored to win re-election in a vote next Tuesday, with leads of roughly 2-1 in all the publicly released polls. Now his Republican opponent, state Senate President David Williams, is launching an attack against Beshear on a new front: Beshear participated in a Hindu religious ceremony!

"I swear I heard Jesus cry," Williams told reporters. "And what's this with Beshear saying he was just showing respect to the Yogi? I didn't see no bears around there, did you?"

“He’s there participating with Hindu priests, participating in a religious ceremony,” Williams said. “They can say what they want to. He’s sitting down there with his legs crossed, participating in Hindu prayers with a dot on his forehead with incense burning around him. I don’t know what the man was thinking.”

You tell them Mr. Williams. Doesn't this guy ever read the Constitution? We mean, sure it's not like you can run them out of the country for practicing their heathen religion or anything, but the last thing we need is someone to make them feel welcome. What's next? Hindu temples right here in Kentucky?

“If I’m a Christian, I don’t participate in Jewish prayers. I’m glad they do that. I don’t participate in Hindu prayers. I don’t participate in Muslim prayers. I don’t do that. To get down and get involved and participate in prayers to these polytheistic situations, where you have these Hindu gods that they are praying to, doesn’t appear to me to be in line with what a governor of the Commonwealth of Kentucky ought to be doing.”

Oh you are right as the day is long there Mr. Williams. Why a good Christian governor wouldn't even walk down the street in front of one of those...wait a minute...polytheistic? You think Jews and Muslims are polytheistic? Uh...Mr. Williams? We're sorry to have to tell you the the Jews were monotheistic when Jesus was still making the sacred Lincoln logs in his diapers, and the Muslims? Well, let's just say Allah don't have no son and holy spirit sharing the bill and leave it at that, OK?

Williams said he was not showing disrespect to Hindus with his comments. “I think you disrespect other peoples’ religion when you go down there,” he said.

Well, can't argue with you there Mr. Williams. One thing's for sure, nothing disrespects a person's religion more than going down there. Why, if someone were to go down there on us we'd feel so disrespected we be likely to go down there too and have a rather heated word or two with that person. We mean, you just don't go down there and walk away, right? It's like Jesus said to the Pharisees, "Don't you go down there on me boy."

He said he has visited countries that had Hindu ceremonies but declined to participate. “That would be idolatry,” he said.

Amen to that brother. It's just like it says in Paul's epistle to the Corinthians--which is only abut 40 miles from here by the way, stick that in your Hindu abracadabra pipe and smoke it swami--it's like old Paul said to them, "When in Rome, you still a Bubba.

Stay Tuned For A 60 Minutes Special Report On Celebrity Ferrets

2011-11-01T12:52:00.000-04:00

We're coming to you today from the Let's Do A Poll Because It's Easier Than Working Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. LDAPBIETW is a division of the We're Running Out Of Ways To Avoid Writing About Real Issues Company, a wholly owned subsidiary of Sarah Palin Didn't Return Our Calls, Inc.

Look, we know writing about things like the economy, world financial crises, income inequality and other issues that, you know, impact people's lives and such is hard. We mean, you have to interview experts, do research, learn new words and all sorts of other complications, all of which interferes with keeping up with Kim Kardashian's tweets. But, come on man, even if you're going to try and convince your boss you're working by putting up an online poll--which is to real polling like nuclear energy is to canned spam--at least put a little effort into making the resulting article not resemble something written for a tenth grade homework assignment.

Ronald Reagan beat out Franklin Delano Roosevelt as the former president Americans would like to see in the White House during these trying economic times, a new 60 Minutes/Vanity Fair poll finds. Thirty-six percent of those polled said they wanted the Gipper to lead America out of the economic crisis...

Really? That's your lede? Thirty six percent? When we went to school that meant 64% would have wanted someone else. Almost two thirds, in other words.

Thomas Jefferson came in third place with the support of 14 percent of those polled.

Thomas Jefferson? Really? You made Thomas Jefferson one of the choices on your poll. This is what you learned in Investigative Journalism class? Thomas Jefferson wouldn't know a Credit Default Swap if Sally Hemmings hit him over the head with one.

The poll also found that 68 percent of Americans think Secretary of State Hillary Clinton would make the best Democratic vice presidential candidate if Joe Biden doesn’t remain on the ticket next year.

Well, that's certainly timely and useful information to have. Particularly since Vice President Biden has already said he's going to stay on the ticket.

Hey, we've got an idea for an Internet poll. It would have just one question: Do you think Internet polls are a big waste of time and reporters use them to keep from doing actual work?

While we're waiting for the results to come in maybe someone could do an in depth story on Dancing With The Stars or something. You know, reporter stuff.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-10-28T10:32:00.001-04:00

This video was too good to pass up. Sorry, they wouldn't let us embed it, but here's a related radio interview Danny and his human did (Danny's the quiet one):

Rescued as a stray in Ireland, Danny and his owner Tony Nevett travel from their home in Northamptonshire to primary schools around the UK. Children then read to Danny to improve their self-confidence and ability.

So, Danny's job is to lie around while kids read stories to him, then have a biscuit. What's that you say JD? Where do you go to sign up?

JD is a three year old boy who came to us from Florida where he only raced 14 times. The comment on his last races was "collided 1st turn" which probably means he was injured and no longer suitable to suck a buck off of, so the overlords dumped him, thankfully into an adoption program. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

BREAKING: Pope Narrowly Avoids Jew Cooties

2011-10-26T12:16:00.000-04:00

In what may turn out to be one of the closest calls of his papacy, Pope Benedict ex vee eye narrowly avoided exposure to crazy rays from members of the whacky pack. You know, those churches that aren't really churches because they lack bingo, and you could search through their Ancestry.com records all you want and there'll be nary an apostle nor a disciple in the lot.

Pope Benedict XVI has invited Jews, Hindus, Sikhs and Muslims to a pilgrimage to the Umbrian hilltop town of Assisi where 25 years ago Pope John Paul II, the Dalai Lama and others spent the day praying for peace amid the Cold War.

Yeah, well 25 years ago we didn't know how AIDS was transmitted either so we were still letting the homos touch stuff. A lot has changed since Bene got us right with the lord.

Benedict on Wednesday held a pre-trip prayer service for the Catholic faithful at the Vatican, since Thursday's Assisi event — unlike the 1986 edition — won't involve any communal prayers among the different religious leaders.

Right. Come on, we all know who god's number one posse is. Why you want to put all that static in the channel by letting these holy wannabes talk over PopeMasta B?

Then-Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger didn't attend the 1986 event and disapproved of members of different faiths praying in the presence of one another.

Hey, would you take a bath with your sister? Would you eat lunch down at the homeless shelter? Would you get naked before altar boy interviews ? OK forget that last one, the point is all your Jesus are belong to us.

The 25th anniversary edition won't involve any communal prayer: participants can pray individually, silently in rooms assigned them.

"We're particularly insistent on that 'silent' part," said a spokesman for the vatican office of Hatin' On The Poseurs. "Have you heard the racket when them Rabbis go at it? Sounds like somebody strangling a cat. And what's up with that rocking shtick? They got some kind of palsy or something?"

In a related story, the vatican announced that Kumbaya had been placed on the Index Librorum Prohibitorum.

Voters? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Voters

2011-10-25T13:51:00.000-04:00

OK we get it. We really do. We know that teachers are responsible for the recession, that they're most likely communists because...unions! And they need to be watched every single minute because this whole educating thing? Very dangerous to the status quo...uh, excuse us...democracy. Very dangerous to democracy.

So how is it that this particular teacher is still allowed to walk the streets like a citizen or something?

The teacher who heads up New Smyrna Beach High School's student government association could face thousands of dollars in fines. Her transgression? Helping students register to vote.

Yeah. We know what you're thinking, what are these kids doing in a student government association when they should be in a test prep class? FCAT is coming don't you know? No, not that FCAT. This FCAT. But let's set that aside for the moment and examine how this viper came to strike at the breast of the Florida Public School system.

When Jill Cicciarelli organized a drive at the start of the school year to get students pre-registered, she ran afoul of Florida's new and controversial election law. The new rules require that third parties who sign up new voters register with the state and that they submit applications within 48 hours.

Well of course it does. You think we want just anybody out there telling people they can vote? Is that what they're teaching in Civics classes these days?

Republican lawmakers who backed the rules said they were necessary to reduce voter fraud.

"You'd be surprised how many people will say they're going to vote for you, but then when they get in that booth, go ahead and vote for someone else," said one republican lawmaker who declined to be identified.

Fear of violating the new rules prompted the League of Women Voters to suspend voter registration efforts in Florida. Local political activists in both parties have been similarly stymied, Volusia County Supervisor of Elections Ann McFall said. "It's bizarre," McFall said of the law. "I haven't found one person who likes this law."

"I like it,"said Florida governor Rick Scott who signed the law. "How long do you think I'd be in office if I let everybody vote?"

Shannon Miller, a 17-year-old senior who serves as co-president of the student government association along with classmate Crystal Merrick, said she was glad she had the chance to register at school. She wonders how many of her peers will participate if the process is too formalized. "It may discourage some students (from registering) if it's more difficult," she said. "We're more apt to get involved, but (some students) won't go to the trouble if they think it's hard."

"What's your point?" Scott asked.

Supporters said it was necessary to prevent voter fraud, though elections supervisors like Volusia County Supervisor of Elections Ann McFall said they haven't had a problem. "I don't see it," she said in a telephone interview last week from her office in DeLand. "I truly don't see it."

"Oh, like the County Supervisor of Elections would know about fraud going on in her district," said state Rep. Dorothy Hukill, a Republican from Port Orange who backed the bill.

"There are reasons for the law," said Hukill. "Part of the reason is to protect people like (the students), so they know they're being registered properly."

When asked how someone could be registered to vote improperly Hukill referred reporters to the local Democratic Party Headquarters. "Every voter they register is improper in my view," she added.

For the students involved in the voter registration drive, the incident has proven an unsolicited lesson in real-life civics, New Smyrna Beach High Principal Jim Tager said.

"Grab power any way you can, and when you get it, do everything you can to keep the other side down." he said. "Is it any wonder why kids don't trust adults?"

In Which Ironicus Clears It Up

2011-10-24T12:34:00.000-04:00

You know why we're doing this?

This is why:

By all accounts, Mark Lindquist is a hero, an underpaid social worker who nearly gave his life trying to save three developmentally disabled adults from the Joplin tornado. Both houses of the Missouri legislature honored Lindquist, the Senate resolution calling him "a true hero and inspiration to others." The tornado's 200 mph winds tossed Lindquist nearly a block, broke every rib, obliterated his shoulder, knocked out most of his teeth and put him in a coma for about two months.

Now, despite what Eric Cantor, Herman Cain and republican debate audiences say, we're pretty sure everyone with a beating heart larger than a raisin and a degree of empathy just a tad greater than a European paper wasp would agree that this guy could use a little assistance. Especially if you're an insurance company whose job it is to step up during catastrophic events and help people get back on their feet. Right?

But he has no medical insurance. Lindquist couldn't afford it on a job paying barely above minimum wage. He assumed workers' compensation would cover his bills, but his claim was denied "based on the fact that there was no greater risk than the general public at the time you were involved in the Joplin tornado," according to a letter to Lindquist from Accident Fund Insurance Company of America, his company's workers' comp provider.

Wrong. "...there was no greater risk than the general public at the time you were involved in the Joplin tornado." What does that even mean? Oh wait, we know: We're not covering your claim even though you were severely injured while performing your job (above and beyond the call of duty we might add) because, well...Bonuses!

Lindquist's survival defies logic. After the storm, rescuers found Lindquist buried in rubble, impaled by a piece of metal. Large chunks of flesh were torn off. Bones from his shoulder crumbled as they placed him on a door used as a makeshift stretcher. He was later delivered to Freeman Hospital.

A spokesperson for the Accident Fund complained that by surviving Lindquist had "really screwed up the actuarial tables" and had filed his claim at a "most inconvenient time" right at the close of the quarter when Profit and Loss statements were due. "Very little consideration was shown to the Accident Fund by this claimant" read a statement from company headquarters.

Doctors told Baldwin that if Lindquist survived, it likely would be in a vegetative state. Even in a best-case scenario, he likely would be blind in one eye, never regain use of his right arm, and never speak or think normally, she was told. Things got worse. Debris that got into the open sores caused a fungal infection, one that killed five other Joplin tornado victims. Lindquist overcame the fungus but remained at Freeman until June 16. Still in a coma, he was flown to a hospital in Columbia for a little over a month before being sent to a rehab center in Mount Vernon where he awakened.

Michael Britt, President of the Accident Fund told reporters that, "by refusing to die when all reliable medical opinion had declared him a lost cause, Mr.Lindquist was obviously trying to take advantage of the generous workers comp programs offered by our company."

Jahn Hurn, CEO of Community Support Services, said the agency has asked Accident Fund Insurance to reconsider Lindquist's case. Insurance company spokeswoman Stepheni Schlinker said she could not discuss an individual claim or whether the company would reconsider.

"We're banking on a setback," Schlinker told reporters. And even if the guy does make it, he's so banged up he'll probably never work again, so what are we supposed to do? Support him for the rest of his life? Can you imagine what our investors would say to that?"

#occupy. Any questions?

Friday Hound Blogging (Thursday Edition)

2011-10-20T12:45:00.000-04:00

Busy, busy, busy here in the marbled halls of IM Central. And not just because of the closeout sale down at the local adult beverage emporium either. How does a liquor store go out of business anyway? Is that even possible? Shouldn't there be TARP funds available? Anyway, we anticipate no interruption in the Stoli flow as the adult beverage emporium across the street from the soon to be defunct adult beverage emporium seems to be adequately stocked.

No, the reason for our madcap hustlebustle is the burgeoning conference season, a favorite time of year when we get to jet off to exotic cities, commune with our fellows and come up with new and innovative ways to skip out of sessions. In fact, even as we despoil the pristine innocence of the blank page with our desultory scribblings we are also preparing for a rendezvous with our local TSA naked machine. It occurs to us that Christmas parties must be a real hoot at TSA headquarters (Look at this. I bet this guy's nickname is stubby...Dang. Talk about top heavy. How does she do that without a back brace?)

But we digress. On to the overlords. We're coming to you today from the Blood From A Turnip Department. The BFAT Department is part of the When You Got Nothing, You Got Nothing To Extort Company, in cooperation with Like I Have A Reputation To Lose, LLC.

The man federal prosecutors say threatened to damage Gov.-elect Earl Ray Tomblin's reputation pleaded not guilty to an extortion charge Tuesday. Harry Marshall Rae, who used to be involved in the dog racing business, allegedly tried to blackmail people with ties to the industry.

Reputation? Dude. Do you even know anything about this Tomblin guy? Him worrying about losing his reputation is like Donald Trump worrying that he might miss his hair appointment.

Unless he received money, Rae threatened to release videos he said would damage the reputation of the greyhound industry and Tomblin, whose family breeds and races the dogs, according to a federal criminal complaint.

Clearly Mr. Rae, you have not thought this through. You're going to damage the reputation of the greyhound industry? That's like saying you are going to walk through a city that has just had nuclear devastation rained down upon it and break a few windows.

But the videos Rae said he had were shot in another state, so it's unclear how they would have directly affected the reputation of greyhound racers here, including Tomblin's mother and brother.

Yeah, "unclear" is probably a word that could be worked into a lot of descriptions about Mr. Rae. But here's our question, if you got embarrassing videos of overlords in another state, why didn't you just go black mail those overlords?

Rae lives in California, but his cased was moved to West Virginia.

OK, so the guy lives in California, which is not a racing state. He gets embarrassing video from some other state that is not West Virginia, then tries to convince the Tomblin family in West Virginia they're going to be embarrassed unless they give him money. A criminal genius this guy is not, huh Boss?

Boss is a three year old guy who ran his races (all 119 of them) in Florida. Here's a clip: Boss comes out of the number eight box and finishes sixth.

For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-10-14T14:10:00.000-04:00

Wooo Weee! Do you know what time it is? No, it's not Howdy Doody time. Quit dating yourself. Although, come to think of it, that was a rather fine time, wasn't it? It's Howdy Doody time, it only costs a dime, to make your booty shine. We may not be remembering the lyrics quite correctly.

Where were we. Oh yeah. Overlords.

It's that time of year again when the overlords gather in that shining jewel on the Kansas plain, Abilene to throw their shoulders out of joint patting themselves on the back for making it through another year of inflicting brutal exploitation, unnecessary pain and suffering and pitiless deaths on the world's oldest breed of dog, the companions of kings, the inspiration for untold works of art and literature, the greyhounds, or, as they like to say it, suck a buck off a pup.

And who better to chronicle this august gathering than our good friends at the Abilene Reflector Chronicle Telegraph Press Gazette Times Tribune News Journal Post Dispatch this year featuring Tim Horan, sports editor because in the interview the publisher asked everyone how many quarters in a football game and his answer was the closest. Take it away editor Tim!

Bigger was expected and bigger it will be. The National Greyhound Association’s fall meet, which starts Monday and runs through Saturday in Abilene, will have about twice as many greyhound entries as last spring’s meet.

Oh, we're back baby! Twice as many greyhounds. How you like us now animal rights wackos? This has got to mean people flocking to the tracks like lemmings to the sea...er...like moths to the flame...no...winos to the liquor store fire...ah forget it. It means greyhound racing is getting popular again, right editor Tim?

Gary Guccione, NGA’s executive director said a change in format last spring allowing all of the entries to compete in the finals is in place this fall. Traditionally, a greyhound had to finish in the top three to make the finals. This fall greyhounds running fourth through six will also compete on Thursday and Friday.

OK...um...you changed the rules so more people could come, and more people came. That's your big news? That's the lede? Come on editor Tim! Give us the real story, like how many overlords successfully completed their probations, or how many overlords prematurely sold their dogs and turned their kennels into meth labs when the Florida legislature passed the decoupling bill.

Kenneth Biehle of Thorndale, Texas, entered 90 greyhounds, the most of any participants.

"It's like the lotto," Biehle said. "I figure I got to have me a winner in there summers, and if not, well, let's just say all 90 dogs won't be going home with me if you get my drift."

Oh we hear you Mr. Biehle. We know you run a tight ship. Angling for your own spot in the greyhound hall of fame just like that there Vince Berland feller, huh?

Wednesday night, Greg Fast, a greyhound owner from Burlingame, Kan., will be honored at the banquet.

"Does that mean I don't have to pay for a ticket?" Fast asked.

"What? you think we're made of money?" Guccione responded."Do you know how much dues money we lost when all those breeders turned their kennels into meth labs?"

Probably a fair amount huh TJ? But on the bright side, at least those folks have a more respectable vocation now.

TJ, aka Lola is a very sweet, quiet little lady. She has a beautiful brindle coat, and we received many a compliment when out on walks. She loves to chase a ball, and run laps in the backyard, but prefers to lay on her pillow when inside. She has been out of her crate for over a year now (she sleeps on a pillow on the floor in the master bedroom) and we have had absolutely no accidents or problems with her. She is a "shadow" dog once she gets to know you, and prefers to be in the same room as you. She has very expressive eyes, and gives you that "puppy dog" look almost every time she looks at you (which makes her very hard to resist!). Lola would be absolutely wonderful for a family with older children, or a couple with another dog. She would not do well with a single owner who isn't home for most of the day, or a family with younger children who are looking for a dog to actively interact with them. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Deep Thoughts From Ironicus Maximus

2011-10-12T12:57:00.000-04:00

If you take part in Jesus Ween does that make you a Jesus weenie?

Simplify Your Message Or We're Going Back To Following Sarah Palin Around

2011-10-11T09:24:00.000-04:00

OK so we're just a little confused about the media's obsession with wanting the Occupy Wall Street protesters to have a "coherent message." They do have a coherent message, it's economic justice for all, the problem is making that happen is going to be complicated and require action on several different fronts. But hey, complex problems require complex solutions, you know? Well, you would know, unless you're a CNN correspondent.

Anyway, we don't recall this much consternation over the Tea Baggers' message. Apparently "Get the Government out of Medicare" qualifies as a coherent message. Shoot man come on, those people don't even have coherent spelling.

And speaking of shoot, we'd like to respond to congressman Cantor's "concern" about the "mobs" on Wall Street: Dude, we'd much rather go to a demonstration where people are walking around with bongo drums than one where people are walking around with guns. But that's just us.

On The Bright Side, The Demand For More Trailer Parks Will Probably Create Jobs

2011-10-10T14:38:00.000-04:00

Ah, democracy. What other system of government lets the people decide what elected representatives should focus their energies on, then provides support through taxes to fund those policies that have become, by popular definition the common good.

Of course some people's definition of what should be common because it's good is a little different.

The council near the end of its 70-minute meeting heard the first reading of a proposal to amend the ordinance the city’s governing body previously adopted putting in place the Uniform Public Offense Code developed by the League of Kansas Municipalities. The council is expected next week to consider the proposed changes, which would include repealing the part of the code that bans domestic battery.

OK, so the first thing we're thinking is that if you make domestic battery legal Cops will never film in your city again. Plus, according to several leading economists, repeal of the ban would not appreciably affect the sale of men's undershirts.

The city attorney’s office says the repeal would force Taylor, who said Sept. 8 he would no longer prosecute misdemeanors committed in Topeka, including domestic battery, to start prosecuting that crime again. Dombrowski told the council her mother always told her two wrongs don’t make a right. She said repealing the part of city ordinance banning domestic battery would be “the second wrong” after Taylor stopped prosecuting those crimes.

Now, let's make sure we understand this. Even though, at the present time, it's illegal to punch out your spouse, the city attorney isn't prosecuting those cases anyway? We thought only bankers could decide what laws they wanted to follow.

Mayor Bill Bunten responded that everyone on the council supports punishing those who commit domestic battery. He also said that if anyone thinks those who commit domestic battery will go unpunished here, “they’re dead wrong.”

"Course some of you will be just plain dead," he added. "But hey, you think we got some sort of nanny state going on here? You really want government in your bedroom. Or your living room, or your front porch, or wherever it is you're getting the crap beat out of you 'cause you made runny eggs again?"

Councilman Chad Manspeaker urged the public to contact the city governing body and the district attorney’s office to share ideas to resolve the matter amicably. “I think the public needs to have some input as to what happens with this,” Manspeaker said.

Oh Councilman Manspeaker, how quaintly naive of you. "The public needs to have some input..." That is so twentieth century.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-10-07T12:44:00.000-04:00

We're in a really good mood today. It's almost 80 degrees here in the Water Winter Wonderland, which, if you know anything about Michigan at all means you know that October is sometimes equal parts rain, followed by snow, followed by sunny days with the wind out of the north at just below hurricane velocities resulting in a wind chill temperature somewhere north of solid nitrogen, followed by snow until April.

So rather than bring you another installment of the overlords ongoing tale of woe, we thought this might be more appropriate given our undoubtedly temporary state of meteorologically inspired jocularity.

Bergen Community College is helping spread the word about how former racing greyhounds can make great pets. The college hosted its seventh annual Greyhound Adoption Day on Sept. 27, with support from the Greyhound Friends of New Jersey (GFNJ).

Who says all college students do is smoke dope and listen to the rock and roll? Oh wait, that was us. We have no idea what college kids do today. Well, except for these college kids who appear to have decided to make a difference.

The event ties back into the school, with English as a second language students producing reports about greyhounds and the school's graphic designers creating T-shirts that are sold with proceeds benefiting GFNJ.

Ha! Making a difference and getting credit for it. Are these kids smart, or what?

"It's a way to educate the students, all the community really, because this goes out to the community and people from outside the school can come and learn about greyhound adoption. The more people that know about it, the better," Harold Kahn, a greyhound lover and professor in the American Language program at the school said. "Even if they don't adopt a dog now, at least they know about, they may tell their friends, and years down the line when they're thinking about getting an animal, they'll give a dog a home."

Paying it forward man, paying it forward. We bet you wouldn't mind being adopted by some of those folks, huh Autum? Even if did mean living in New Jersey.

Autum is a beautiful girl and a wonderful companion. She is very outgoing and likes to be where you are. Autum entertains her foster family by standing at doggie toy basket and squeaking each toy, one by one, until the basket is empty. She also likes to hang out with the foster family’s greyhounds. She is friendly with any size dog, and was good friends with toy breed dogs in her previous home. Autum would do well in a working family home with second dog to keep her company or in a family that has someone home more often. She is good with older, well-mannered children, 8 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Suffer The Children To Come Unto Me, And I Will Wail On Those Little Buggers

2011-10-06T13:37:00.000-04:00

You know, when we were little Ironicii one of the ideas the nuns beat into our heads (sometimes literally) was that without religion the world would degenerate into a pitiless, desolate wasteland where the strong preyed on the weak, no one could be trusted and life was cheap. Sort of like recess we remember thinking.

The point is, the civilizing power of religion was one if its strongest selling points in their view. It occurred to us that this civilizing function's mechanism was the threat of eternal damnation to lakes of fire and worms in your eyes, which didn't sound all that civilized to us, but we refrained from pointing out this apparent contradiction to the nuns as our addled pates had already had enough ideas beaten into them.

We bring this up because it appears that when it comes to religion bringing out the better angels of our nature, some folks' pates are apparently even more addled than ours.

A gay Gibson County couple said they were assaulted when they tried to attend church services at the Grace Fellowship Church in Fruitland last Wednesday.

Yeah, yeah, gay couple going to church in Fruitland. We saw that, but come on, some jokes are too easy even for us. And by too easy we mean we're too lazy even to make the joke, we just point it out and expect you to do all the work. Thank you. And now back to our story.

"I went over to take the keys out of the ignition and all the sudden I hear someone say 'sick'em,'" said Gibson County resident, Jerry Pittman Jr. Pittman said the attack was prompted by the pastor of the church, Jerry Pittman, his father.

Now that's just about 17 different kinds of weird right there. Dude's a pastor and he sends his posse to thump on his very own son? What is this, the Church of Coming Upside Your Heathen Head for Jesus?

"My uncle and two other deacons came over to the car per my dad's request. My uncle smashed me in the door as the other deacon knocked my boyfriend back so he couldn't help me, punching him in his face and his chest. The other deacon came and hit me through my car window in my back," said Pittman.

OK we're thinking family gatherings have to be kind of strained in the Pittman household.

Friday, the couple filed assault charges against Deacons Billy Sims and Eugene McCoy. Pittman pressed additional charges against his father and Deacon Patrick Flatt. Pastor Pittman's attorney contacted ABC 7 Eyewitness News by phone and said she had no comment and demanded we not contact the pastor.

"Pastor Pittman is a man of god," the attorney said. "He believes in loving his neighbor, forgiveness and turning the other cheek, and if you question his commitment to our personal savior Jesus Christ and the ten commandments, he will mess you up."

Alabama! Motto: Hey, What If We Just Made It Illegal For Tomatoes To Rot?

2011-10-05T12:07:00.000-04:00

Dagum reality. Always a gittin' in there a gumin' up the works when yer a tryin' to restore southern culture to its rightful place 'cause them Yankee carpetbaggers done come down here after the War a Northern Aggression a bringin' all them new fangled ideas, like laws are for everybody and black folks don't need to be out of town by sundown.

A sponsor of Alabama's tough new immigration law told desperate tomato farmers Monday that he won't change the law, even though they told him that their crops are rotting in the field and they are at risk of losing their farms.

"Now lookie heah boy, I don't like the wet backs any more'n you do, but I got me a crop a termaders to get in. You think anybody that speaks English gonna work for what I pay?" one exasperated grower asked.

"My position is to stay with the law as it is," Republican state Sen. Scott Beason told the farmers.

"You know how long it took me to write that thing?" He continued. "All them whereasses and heretofores, you think they just popped up? Jesus man, there's even some Latin in there. I don't know what it means, but it sure sounds important. My nephew put it in there for me. He went to high school you know. The whole six years."

After talking with farmers at the tomato shed, Beason visited the Smith family's farm. Leroy Smith, Chad Smith's father, challenged the senator to pick a bucket full of tomatoes and experience the labor-intensive work. Beason declined.

"I can not believe you just asked a white man to do that," he said.

The U.S. Justice Department, civil rights groups and others have challenged the law. U.S. District Judge Sharon Blackburn allowed major portions of the law to take effect Thursday. The opponents asked the judge Friday to put the law on hold while they appeal her ruling. Attorneys for the state filed court papers Monday asking the judge to leave the law in effect during the appeal.

"This is gonna take a fair passel o time," Judge Blackburn said. "That's a whole wagon load a readin' there and not a pitcher in the lot, jus' words. And that Latin! Lord only knows what that stuff means."

Yeah, That'll Turn Out Well

2011-10-03T15:04:00.000-04:00

Yay! The Michigan Legislature has now solved all the social and economic problems in the state. Well, except for one...us. Now they've turned their attention to colleges and universities, well, universities mostly because that's what you do when you run out of poor people and union members.

In an era of government reinvention, Michigan universities should be in for close scrutiny along with every other taxpayer-funded operation in the state according to Rep. Robert Genetski, R-Saugatuck.

Well, every tax funded operation in the state except the Legislature, that is. Nothing to see here. Hey, look over there! Unions!

There is growing frustration with the cost of college education in the state and country. The proposed commission would be doing the state a service in taking seriously the mandate to “analyze the operation ... of state universities.”

Umm...Mr representative sir? Bobby? May we call you Bobby? We agree there is a growing frustration with the cost of college education in the state, but...ah...how to put this politely...State support for higher education in Michigan has decreased dramatically over the last several decades, leaving universities in the state with gaps in funding that threaten the quality of the educational experience. Since 2001, state budget cuts have reduced the amount of money universities get per student by over $2,500, resulting in 2008 state funding for public universities that is almost $442 million below the amount appropriated in 2002 (plus inflation).

So the biggest reason the cost of a college education has gone up is, well, basically you. See, because when the legislature takes money away from public schools they have to find it somewhere else. No need for a commission to figure that out. Just ask the folks in Indiana, Ohio and Minnesota:

At the same time that Michigan has been "dis-investing" in the future, other states have been investing. A recent article in the Lansing State Journal, "State higher ed funding lags, while others invest" (pdf) explains how other mid-western states like Ohio, Indiana and Minnesota have increased funding to support their colleges and universities as a way to stay competitive.

Oh man, Indiana? You see that Bobby? Indiana! Maybe you should send your commission down there to figure out how they can beat us with an economy based on corn and pork rinds.

It doesn’t take an advanced degree to recognize the problem. Michigan’s universities could stand to be studied more closely. The Legislature should undertake that study in a responsible way, one that recognizes the vital importance of an affordable college education to Michigan’s future.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! See what Bobby did there? It "doesn't take an advanced degree..." He made a funny on the fact they he wants to investigate universities which give out "advanced degrees," which apparently he doesn't have. Not that you need one you know. Not when you have accomplishments like being a member of Right to Life and the National Rifle Association, which, we guess, means if you tell him you're pro-choice he'll shoot you.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-09-30T13:43:00.001-04:00

Oh hey, check it out: The overlords is on the tee vee!! Woo Hoo!!

OK it's a link because they won't let us embed it. Why is that do you think? It's almost like they know what we're going to do with it, no? Who says the overlords are clueless dweebs with hearts the size of neutrinos?

Oh yeah, us.

Well, whatever. If you click on the link and head over to overlord tee vee central you'll see the the subject of today's program is Greyhound Welfare. Yay!

See, everybody knows racing greyhounds are highly trained, superior athletes who represent a sizable investment of time and resources by the overlords, so to perform at their best, their care must be top notch. Well, everybody except for these guys, but maybe they just didn't get the memo.

Anyway, let's go to the video tape: First up, housing. As you can see, greyhounds live in clean well lighted climate controlled kennels that are in good repair. Now we know the more cynical and disbelieving of you out there may be thinking this is a set up to promote one particular fiction in a whole industry of fictions about the way greyhounds are treated in the kennels, but we assure you this represents an accurate portrayal of life at the track. Don't believe us, just ask Harold Williams.

The revocation of Harold Williams’ license came after his Florida license was taken away in the wake of an investigation at a Panhandle dog track kennel, racing Commissioner Mike Box said.Washington County Sheriff’s Deputy Steve Russ initially could not enter the Florida kennel because the stench was overwhelming, he wrote in one of the reports.When an officer with a breathing device walked through the kennel, he saw dead dogs in cages and plastic bags. Five dogs were still alive, according to the reports.

Oops, heh heh. Looks like Harold didn't get the memo either. Don't these people check their e-mail?

All right, so some elements of kennel life may not be perfect, but at least the dogs live in roomy crates where, as the narrator says, they are able to stand up, sit, turn and lie down without difficulty. Why is a roomy crate so important you ask, well mostly because the dogs will spend upwards of 22 hours a day in there, but it's not so bad because, as you can see from the video, occasionally they get a dog biscuit. Like we said, top notch care.

Which brings us to diet. Now, to perform at their best racing greyhounds' food must be "healthy" and "nutritious" as the narrator says which is why greyhounds are fed 4d meat which, as our narrator so helpfully points out, is also in commercial dog foods, except that in those foods the meat is cooked whereas greyhounds get it--again as our narrator points out--raw. For those of you uninformed viewers out there who might think this could be a problem for the greyhounds, it really isn't. At least once you get by the Salmonella infections and whatnot.

So, to recap: Greyhounds live ins clean, climate controlled kennels with airy, large crates, and eat nutritious, healthful meals.

Umm...except for the ones who don't.

So, Tipsy, did you like, have cable in your crate and stuff?

Tipsy is laid back and easy going. He also likes to play and has a lot of energy for a senior dog. He is friendly and affectionate. He will approach to have his ears scratched. He smiles when it is supper time. Tipsy would do well in a working family home with older, well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs of all sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

In Which Ironicus Sees Comeuppance On The Menu

2011-09-29T14:32:00.000-04:00

Ah, schadenfreude you have bested us again. Damn you! Damn you sir!

A while back we read about Michele Bachmann's crusade to preserve the incandescent light bulb, which wasn't actually in danger of becoming extinct and we laughed, and we laughed and we laughed.

At campaign stops across the country, she has repeatedly denounced a 2007 law that required manufacturers to develop energy-efficient light bulb varieties. Bachmann sees the law as an affront to American values. "I think Thomas Edison did a pretty patriotic thing for this country by inventing the light bulb," she told a New Hampshire audience in March. "And I think darn well, you New Hampshirites, if you want to buy Thomas Edison's wonderful invention, you should be able to!"

But Michele, queries us, you step forward to defend Thomas Edison's wonderful invention, but what about William Powell Lear who invented the 8 track tape? Or Marjorie Colton who invented waxed paper? Christopher Lantham Sholes who invented the typewriter? Do these brave souls not deserve your best efforts as well? Did we not lose something precious when some, possibly socialist usurper of American ideals injected plastic wrap into our culture? Oh, innocence lost!

And we chuckled our most devilish chuckle and announced to all who would listen that those legendary Minnesota winters must have turned the voters' gray matter into cerebral permafrost as they had apparently elected an extremely dim bulb to represent them. Then, clucking with satisfaction at our own rakish wit, repaired to the lounge for a celebratory adult beverage.

Oh fate, you are a cruel mistress. You waited until just the right moment to send this to make a mockery of our mirth:

Republican state lawmakers say they want to light the way to incandescent light bulb manufacturing in Michigan. Rep. Tom McMillin, R-Rochester Hills, has introduced legislation that would allow the light bulbs to be made in the state despite a federal law scheduled to take effect in 2012 that bans the incandescent bulb to make way for more energy efficient lights. No manufacturers make the bulbs in Michigan today.

Michigan! Oh Michigan we weep for you. Well, actually we weep more for ourselves because the chickens of stupidity have apparently flown their Minnesota coup and come to rest here in the Water Winter Wonderland.

Rep. Kenneth B. Horn, R-Frankenmuth and a bill co-sponsor, said it’s all about choice. He’s dubbed the legislation “the freedom to manufacture bill.” A company could make and sell the bulb only in Michigan, avoiding the ban under federal interstate commerce laws that would prevent the sale of the bulb across the state line in 2012, he said. “There’s no way to manufacture a light bulb like this without a bill like this,” he said.

Ah, Representative Horn. Representative McMillin. You are not making your parents proud. Would that you could go back to your street corners, or your back porches where you were merely a passing irritant to squirrels and stray cats. But no! You stand in the well of the Legislature of the 26th state to join this great union. The home state of Thomas Dewey, of Henry Ford, of Justice Potter Stewart, of William Boeing, of Madonna fer chrissakes and this is the best you can do? This is your crowning achievement, your capstone, your piece de resistance?

You wound us sirs. The echoes in your craniums are like the doleful bells of Poe's University Church, pregnant with melancholy menace.

More importantly though, you're giving the state a bad name, you bunch of chuckle heads. Now listen, we'll do this very slowly and use small words. There. Is. No. Ban. Hear that? No ban. None. Bannus nonexisticus.

We think you'll find that learning to read will be very beneficial to your legislative career. In the mean time we hear Minnesota is looking for state legislators.

Oh Look, They're Voting. Isn't That Cute, They Think It Matters

2011-09-27T14:16:00.000-04:00

We're coming t you today for the Potpourri Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The Potpourri Department is part of the Where Do These People Come From Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Why Do We Even Bother, Inc.

Several times throughout our years here at the blog we have ruminated on the exact nature of the mental malfunction necessary to cause otherwise incompetent but fairly harmless people to convince themselves they should embark on a career as legislators. Having your head dribbled across the floor as a child? Being raised on a diet of mercury and lead based paint? Parents who think inbreeding means not having sex outdoors?

We bring this up because as we were slooshing through the inter toobz today, two rather pungent bits of flotsam washed up amongst the dead Alewives and empty Zoloft bottles we usually run across.

Let's start with Rand Paul. It seems a bit of regulation designed to keep people from becoming bits of flaming debris has drawn his ire.

A senator who opposes federal regulation on philosophical grounds is single-handedly blocking legislation that would strengthen safety rules for oil and gas pipelines...

OK, two things. First, well, it's Rand Paul. Has this guy ever been for anything that wasn't about returning America to a hunter gatherer society? Second: Umm...All right we only had one thing.

Paul's opposition to the bill hasn't wavered even after a gas pipeline rupture last week shook people awake in three counties in his home state of Kentucky.

Well of course it hasn't wavered. We're talking philosophy here, man. What's a few fricasseed constituents when you're trying to maintain your ideological purity? The engines of commerce must be stoked! Ah...that probably wasn't the most appropriate metaphor at this particular juncture, but the point is, get government off the backs of business!

The bill is supported by the industry's major trade associations — the Interstate Natural Gas Association of America, the American Gas Association and the Association of Oil Pipelines.

Oh. Now that is a little surprising. Not because Paul is resisting legislation that would help his constituents go through life in a flameless mode, we long ago realized that politicians don't speak for the people who voted them into office, but the corporations who bought their office.

That's the surprising part. Paul is also resisting the wishes of his corporate ATM. It's like he's a constituency of one. Now, we openly admit that we weren't the most attentive of students in our Government classes, but we're pretty sure that when the elements of the democratic process were explained to us, "Because I said so," wasn't one of the principles the Founders came to consensus around.

Which brings us to Texas, where in an effort to make sure creationism is taught in school because the bibles given away by the Gideons are the only textbooks the schools can afford, the legislature is preparing to assure Rick Perry intellectualism will become a defining aspect of the Lone Star State by protecting the interests of the poor poor oil companies.

Three commissioners appointed by Gov. Rick Perry may grant some of the nation's largest refineries a tax refund of more than $135 million — money Texas' cash-strapped schools and other local governments have been counting on to help pay teachers and provide other public services.

Now that we can understand. We mean, what's government's major function? Protect it's citizens, and since, as the Supreme Court has so eloquently explained to us, a corporation is a citizen too, just like Mitt Romney, the Texas legislature will have no choice but to act and right this egregious injustice.

Well, only if Rand Paul thinks it's a good idea that is.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-09-23T12:09:00.000-04:00

Well, it was bound to happen. Should have expected it we guess. We mean, even the overlords can only take so much, you know? For far too long the conversation about greyhound ~~exploitation~~ racing has been dominated by the animal rights wackos, the latte sippers, the Birkenstock wearers and the Prius drivers. Who was there to speak for the soulless bags of wasted protein who think that sucking your meager existence off the pain and suffering of innocent creatures is a valid career choice for beings that do not belong to the order Pharyngobdella?

Who indeed. Well, Tucson Greyhound Park CEO Tom Taylor, that's who. Tired of ceding the dialogue to people suffering from empathy Mr. Taylor has stepped forward to offer an eloquent defense of his track in particular and his industry in general:

OK, now we realize at first blush it looks like Mr. Taylor is dissembling when he refuses to let people into his kennel who think greyhounds are not toasters and thus have certain rights accrued to them as living creatures, but that's only because you don't understand the sophisticated, metaphorical elements of his argument. Allow us to unpack the complex elements of his rhetorical construct.

First, the reference to the Taj Mahal has several levels of meaning. Most people think of it as an architectural masterpiece of enduring beauty, representative of the highest artistic and cultural values of the time. Who would find such a structure lacking? Well, at first you might think it would have to be someone without a shred of aesthetic appreciation for anything other than the crumpled face of George Washington on a stained and torn dollar bill, you know, people like Tom Taylor.

But it's not about that at all, self referential as it may be, it's about something much more sophisticated, much more complicated, much more subtle. See, the Taj Mahal is a mausoleum. It's a giant tribute to death. Ah, you're saying now, the elegance of Mr Taylor's argument begins to open up before you like a rose, blooming with the dawn. Mr. Taylor is simply telling us that his kennel is a receptacle of death, without the outward elegance.

Which brings us to the Mona Lisa. Again, an artifact generally possessing outward beauty and cultural significance. Outwardly. But once you delve below the surface you discover it's not dogs playing poker or velvet Elvis. OK we could be reaching there as the subtlety of Mr. Taylor's argument surpasses our meager exegetical skills, but you know what? It doesn't matter because we can actually go to Mr.Taylor's track and speak with some of the crowd. After all, if you really want to understand the cultural milieu of animal exploitation you go to the source, right? OK, let's start in the concession area since that's where participants are most likely to gather to share expertise and controlled substances in anticipation of the evening's festivities.

Oops. Heh heh. Where is everybody? Oh, wait. Silly us. The crowd is out enjoying the races. When you've got something as exciting and enjoyable as watching to see if any dogs will seriously injure or kill themselves to do, who can stay in the snack bar, huh? OK let's head out to the track

Yes, well...um...All right, admittedly the crowd is somewhat light this evening, but we're sure we just caught the track on an off night. What's that you say Bo? That's twice as many people as used to come to your races?

Bo is a confident, friendly, affectionate boy who wants to be friends with everyone he meets; going for walks to greet his “fan club” is one of his favorite things to do. With his brindle color, heart shaped nose and outgoing, friendly personality, he’s irresistibly cute. He is a smart boy who knows “sit”, “down”, “come” and “leave it”; he is willing to learn more for a treat. He will sit and lay down without being asked when he sees someone reaching into the treat jar. He is very affectionate and loves to give kisses and will lean against you for pets. Being an epileptic dog, Bo needs a home that has experience with seizures. Bo also needs a home that is stable, has a consistent routine and very few changes as well as one that can cope with the stresses of having an epileptic dog. He will also need to be more of a homebody dog (i.e. no travelling, large gatherings or meet and greets) as stress and change can trigger seizures. Due to the side effects of his anti-seizure medication, he also needs a home where someone is home often and can let him out every few hours to go potty. Bo would be fine as an only dog or in a home with another dog, as long as his family is able to separate them or restrain the other dog if Bo has a seizure. He also needs to be crated while home alone to prevent injury to himself in case of a seizure. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Pope Visits Germany; Mitre Detained At Border

2011-09-20T13:52:00.000-04:00

Achtung! Achtung! Der Fuhrer Kommt!! Preparar!

Oops. Got a little carried away there. What we meant to say was that pope Bene is heading back to his old stomping grounds for a little strudel and wurst.

When Benedict XVI arrives in Berlin this week, he will be greeted in his homeland by a Lutheran chancellor, a gay mayor and a divorced, remarried Roman Catholic president.

A Lutheran, a gay and a nonpracticing catholic? In other news, the vatican announced today that long time social secretary for the pope Benito Scalizarri would be leaving his post after almost twenty years. No reason was given. Yeah. A Lutheran and a bad catholic maybe. But a queer? Nuh uh. Popey don't play that.

Protests have been organized at all the pope's planned stops during his four-day trip. Some opposition lawmakers have said they will not attend his address to parliament and gay and student groups have announced demonstrations to be held in Berlin and Erfurt.

Protests? Well, OK if that's the way you want to go. You know, get out there in the street, in the wide open and yell at the head of god's posse here on earth. Stand out underneath the sky and yell at the supreme ruler of the universe's number one homie. If you think that's a smart thing to do, go right ahead. Just two words: Light Ning.

"We are against discrimination, unequal treatment, against the banning of condoms and we want to make that clear," Joerg Steinert, director of the German Gay and Lesbian Association told Associated Press Television News. "We will be visible when the pope addresses parliament."

Ah, we think we see your problem. Now the condom thing, yeah whatever. Like people actually listen to the pope about stuff like that, but discrimination? Dude, that's the whole point. Ever hear of god's chosen people? Remember when the pope said other religions was whack? Especially them musslemens. See, the whole point of any church is to separate itself from the rest of the heathen horde because, well, that's what god's been doing since Adam was a second grader. Now the problem is old Jehovah has been pretty tight lipped on the whole who's my favorite issue for quite a few years now, so the churches try to make up for that by being the loudest to proclaim that god likes them best, the whole idea being that if they say it loud enough and loud enough maybe Jaweh will be convinced. Sort of the Dancing With The Stars theory of divine preference.

Even in the more staunchly Catholic southwestern city of Freiburg — the final stop on the pope's journey — a group calling itself "Freiburg Without the Pope" has been printing T-shirts depicting the city's historic cathedral sheathed in a bright pink condom.

Oh now that's just rude right there. Like cathedrals aren't already phallic enough with all the spires and towers and whatnot.

A recent poll indicated most Germans don't think the papal visit is particularly important. Only 14 percent of 1,008 Germans surveyed by the Forsa institute between Sept. 8-9 said the visit was of personal importance to them, compared with 55 percent that said it held "no importance whatsoever."

Well, in the pope's defense SC Freiburg was playing Borussia Mönchengladbach that day, and you know Germans, if they're not invading Poland, they're watching football. Especially that Jaroslav Drobny. Dude's a scoring machine, man!

The potentially most sensitive topic in Germany is the church's handling of last year's sex abuse scandal. Hundreds of Germans came forward with claims that they had been sexually or physically abused by Catholic priests.

Oh, yeah. Well, there is that too.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-09-16T10:50:00.000-04:00

Hey, remember Ronnie Williams? Sure you do. He's the overlord who got caught reducing inventory a few months ago. Well, this drove the other overlords into fits of apoplexy because, you know, the greyhounds are like family to them, and if a greyhound doesn't get the finest care possible then the enormous investment they represent is fairly wasted, not to mention that an innocent living creature has suffered and died at the hands of a callous, cruel and barbaric industry based upon the exploitation of helpless animals.

Remember, we said not to mention that. The overlords never do, but back to Ronnie Williams.

A second motion to dismiss the case against Ronald “Ronnie” Williams has been denied.

Hmmm...looks like the "my client is a soulless, bag of wasted protein who barely deserves the moniker 'sentient'" defense isn't going so well.

The motion filed by public defender Floyd Griffith in early August claimed the animal cruelty statute Williams is being prosecuted under is unconstitutional because of its vague definition of willfully causing an animals pain and suffering and “does not give fair warning” to people of common intelligence.

OK we see your problem counselor. "People of common intelligence"? Really? Have you talked with your client at all? Did you even read the complaint?

Necropsies have been completed on the 32 greyhounds found dead in kennels at Ebro Greyhound Park last week and veterinarians think the animals died of starvation and dehydration. The trainer of the dogs, 36-year-old Ronnie Williams of Ponce de Leon, has been charged with 37 counts of felony animal cruelty and is being held in the Washington County Jail.

Does that sound like a person of "common intelligence" to you? Does it even sound like a person?

Circuit Court Judge Christopher Patterson denied the motion on Tuesday, stating in his order the “statutory language is both plain and unambiguous.”

Well, thank you Judge Patterson. You know what else is "plain and unambiguous?" People like Ronnie Williams need to be sent far away for a very long time, and this whole savage, vile, murderous industry should be consigned to the garbage heap of history without delay. you have a problem with that Lady?

Lady is outgoing, exuberant, very energetic, playful and puppy-like. She is affectionate. She will try to crawl into your lap to cuddle when you are sitting down. She likes to be near you. She wants to be petted all the time. She is very sweet—loves affection. She likes to play with toys and will sometimes throw her toys in the air. She likes to roll on her back. Lady would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and older. Sometimes she plays rough with other dogs, so would do best with a young, energetic dog as her companion. She will bark when she is excited, so she may do best in a single family home. She would do best in a home with someone who knows about dog training because she is young and needs guidance and would probably be best in a home that would exercise her regularly. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And Jesus Sayeth Unto Thee, Dump The Chump

2011-09-15T13:35:00.000-04:00

We're coming to you today from the Colossians 3:12 department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Colossians 3:12 is a division of the I Corinthians 13:4 - 8 Company, in partnership with Proverbs 11:25, Inc.

It seems the bible has asterisks.

Religious broadcaster Pat Robertson told his "700 Club" viewers that divorcing a spouse with Alzheimer's is justifiable because the disease is "a kind of death."

And you're a kind of a jerk.

Democracy Would Be A Great System, If It Wasn't For All That People Get To Vote Stuff

2011-09-14T14:18:00.001-04:00

OK so we've been slooshing through the inter toobz for a fair parcel of time and while mostly it merely reconfirms our belief that Americans are to intellectual discourse as raisins are to nuclear powered submarines, occasionally we run across a wit so sharp, a mind so dazzlingly adept, an intelligence so stunningly advanced that it fairly takes our breath away.

Such is the case with the pensive stylings of one Matthew Vadum--or as he will be hereinafter referred to--Lord Vadum who penned the soon to be classic opus "Registering The Poor To Vote Is Un-American."

Oh, we know what you're thinking--this is just some screed by a bigoted old white guy whose probably a legacy hire on wingnut welfare. Well, that just shows the paucity of your cerebral capabilities. Need proof? Here's a snippet form Lord Vadum's bio:

Vadum's book, "Subversion Inc.: How Obama's ACORN Red Shirts are Still Terrorizing and Ripping Off American Taxpayers," was published by WND Books in May 2011. His research was cited by Michelle Malkin in her New York Times bestseller, "Culture of Corruption."

That's MICHELLE FREAKIN' MALKIN man. THE Michelle Malkin.

Well, we're not trying to make you feel bad by pointing up your inadequacies or anything, so let's just move on to the article itself which is a clinic in logical thought, argumentative expertise and stylistic brilliance. First, the central premise:

Why are left-wing activist groups so keen on registering the poor to vote? Because they know the poor can be counted on to vote themselves more benefits by electing redistributionist politicians. Welfare recipients are particularly open to demagoguery and bribery.

See? Poor people vote their own self interests, unlike other segments of the population like say, conservatives, whose only concern when voting is the overall welfare of this great nation. In fact, when you enfranchise this class of selfish voters, only one logical outcome is possible:

It is profoundly antisocial and un-American to empower the nonproductive segments of the population to destroy the country.

Now, if Lord Vadum can be said to have any weakness, it's that his own large heart can empathic nature won't let him carry his thought out to fruition because if productivity is the key that unlocks the privilege of voting, then we must apply it equally and fairly across the board because--and we're sure Lord Vadum would agree with us here--that is the American way.

We get your message, Lord Vadum, we truly do, and as such, in your stead and as your acolytes we will not rest until the vote has been taken away from these other self involved parasites on the body of this great nation:

Old people--particularly retired old people whose productive years are long behind them. In fact, as a corollary to your thought it may be advisable to enact legislation that would vacate the votes these people made during their productive years after they retire, much as Ohio State had to vacate the victories in their 2010 season. Of course there are some complications here, like it may lead to president Regan not being elected, but a small price to pay to return this country to the roots upon which it was founded.
Women, specifically housewives and stay at home moms. Now, some may attempt the fallacious defense that these people are in fact productive and that they simply are not having their contribution recognized in the way that other productive segments of the population are, but we say this is just a version of the tree falls in the forest argument in that, if work occurs and it is not compensated with money, is it really work?
People who suffer long term illnesses, or debilitating injuries. Like the aforementioned category of old people, those in this group may have been productive at one time, but those days are over and America needs the benefit of those with strong backs and clear minds today, not the enfeebled mutterings of the disabled. Besides, like poor people, those in this category will be tempted to put themselves ahead of the country, especially in the areas of healthcare and social services.
Students. Classic examples of non-productive citizens. Now, it is true that since the government has withdrawn most of its support for education many students have to take all large loans, plus work part time to pay for their education, so some consideration can be given to those in this category. For example, perhaps we could count their vote as 3/5's of a truly productive citizen's vote.

Of course some details will still need to be worked out. The fifteenth and ninetieth amendments to the Constitution will have to be repealed for example, but America has never quailed before a challenging task, and that can do spirit will see us through, of that you can be sure.

The Founding Fathers Wanted Us To Die Young

2011-09-13T12:24:00.000-04:00

Hey we're already having presidential debates. Well, the republicans are getting together and doing PSA's on the dangers of going off your medications which is what passes for presidential debates with them. We totally missed the ones they've had so far which is OK we guess since they're going to have 14,632 of them. Actually we missed the one last night, but we did see that at least one reporter showed up for it and wrote a story.

Here's something that surprised us, Ron Paul is running for president. Again. Doesn't this guy have any hobbies? Well, on the bright side at least he showed up in a suit and not a robe and slippers with a garden hose ready to squirt the Romneybot every time he said he came from a business background.

Here's another thing that surprised us: Wolf Blitzer is still alive. He was the "moderator" which means he got to ask questions and then sit there waiting for the commercial break while the participants babbled on incoherently. One of the questions he asked grandpa Paul was what would he do for an uninsured guy who got sick. We're thinking, doesn't Wolf know the dude is a gynecologist? He's not going to be able to help some sick guy. We figured Paul would say something like do a Pap smear, or give the man some Midol or something. Instead he said freedom was all about taking risks.

What the heck does that even mean? Does he think people go down to the Contagion Casino and gamble with their health? OK, We're going all in for living until we're 90, but if we lose it's pancreatic cancer at 66.

And that's not the weirdest thing. When he said that the audience applauded. The only way that makes sense is if those people are programed to applaud every time they hear a word like freedom or a phrase like we the people, sort of like at IM Central when the greyhounds come running every time they hear the can opener.

Well, it wasn't time for a commercial break yet and Wolf has trouble keeping track of all the wars we're in, so instead of the foreign policy question he was supposed to ask, he followed up with grandpa Paul and tried to find out he he would just let the guy die. Before Paul could answer the crowd went wild shouting "Yeah," applauding and hooting like frat boys at a porno.

Later, Rick Perry said he wouldn't wait for the guy to die, but would execute him on the spot.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-09-09T10:54:00.000-04:00

Frequent reader(s) of this blog are aware that disappointment is the one certain outcome of hope...erm...we mean are aware that West Virginia is in the throes of a gubernatorial election and that greyhounds have become a central issue in that contest, mostly because of candidate Earl Ray Tomblin's momma.

In a new TV commercial released today, Senate President Earl Ray Tomblin defends himself against charges of using the Greyhound Breeding Development Fund, created in 1993, to benefit his family’s greyhound racing business. The new commercials cite an article in Monday’s Charleston Gazette by reporter Phil Kabler. In the article, Kabler fact-checks accusations by the Maloney campaign that Tomblin funneled $ 2.5 million in taxpayer dollars to Tomblin Kennels, owned by Tomblin’s mother and brother.

See, right away there's a problem. What's that reporter doing "fact checking" anyway when he should following Kim Kardashian's Tweets, or waiting for Michele Bachmann to say something stupid? Hello? What part of "reporter" do you not understand?

There are no tax dollars involved. Funds for the greyhound development fund purses come from the state’s share of profits from racetrack video lottery.

Ha! You tell 'em Earl Ray. May we call you Earl Ray? How about just Bubba? Anyway, the point is it's not tax money that's going to Bubba's momma, it's money sucked off the losers who think they're going to hit the big time playing the lottery with odds of like 10 billion to one of winning. Well, guess you could call that a tax on stupid people, but the money has to come from somewhere because lord knows greyhound racing isn't profitable, so if Bubba's going to prop up his momma like a good boy, where else is he going to look?

On Tuesday, a day after Kabler’s article, the Maloney campaign released a research paper on Tomblin and the Breeder Fund pointing to several bills Tomblin supported which help increase subsidies in the Breeder Fund. Tomblin also supported spending $2 million on new greyhound training tracks in 2008, paid for by the Breeder Fund.

Hey come on. How else you going to train these dogs? You think they're born to run? Oh wait, you do. Well, we're sure this is still a needed expense. Let's ask Sam Burdette, president of the West Virginia Greyhound Owners and Breeders Association:

Burdette says the association doesn't object to training tracks, but believes the state's planned facilities are too elaborate and expensive.

Too elaborate? Too expensive? Mr. Burdette, we're talking about Earl Ray's momma here. Wouldn't you do the same for your momma?

Using Charleston Gazette and Charleston Daily Mail articles as sources, the Maloney research paper said that instead of the Tomblin family receiving $2.5 million from the Breeder Fund since 1993, the Tomblin family actually received $3.8 million instead. However, when added together the total amount of Breeder Fund money going to the Tomblin family since 1993, the total is $3.4 million.

$3.8 million, $3.4 million, what's the difference? We're talking pocket change here, and in a state where the average household income is $16, 477 they can afford it. Besides, how many times do we have to tell you, we're talking about somebody's momma here. Can't you get that through your head? Yeesh, some people, huh TJ?

Pavlov's New Dogs

2011-09-06T13:51:00.000-04:00

We're coming to you today from the Department of False Equivalencies here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoFE is a subsidiary of the It's All About The Benjamins Corporation in partnership with Simple Solutions to Complex Problems, NA.

It seems one of our elected representatives here the the Water Winter Wonderland has hit upon a solution to all that ails our schools.

School districts could hire school teachers through a private company, expanding a privatization program already allowed for lunch workers and bus drivers, under legislation being prepared by the head of the Senate Education Committee.

See, because we all know teaching children is just like whipping up a batch of mac and cheese after you pass the test for your chauffeur's license.

As part of a significant education reform package sponsored by Senator Phil Pavlov (R-St. Clair), schools could privatize their instructional services, giving district a way to avoid the perceived high-dollar packages pushed by the teacher unions.

OK, few questions there senator Pavlov. First, shouldn't any proposed "reform" to education as broad in scope as this one at least make some small mention of its impact on the students? We're just spit-balling here, but you know, lip service and stuff? At least act like you're thinking about the kids.

Second, where are the teacher unions pushing these "high dollar" packages? Why are these packages "perceived" packages? Who's perceiving them? You? Or are you just salivating at the chance to whack a union or two? Get it? Pavlov. Salivating. More subtle humor from the comedy masters at Ironicus Maximus.

"I look at it as offering options," Pavlov said. "If there is something out there that can offer school officials the same options at a lower cost, schools need to take a look at that. It needs to part of the conversation on reform."

Right. Because any time you look at finding ways to make education better and more efficient, cheap comes to mind almost immediately.

The privatization piece would require teachers from a private firm to have all of the same qualifications as current instructors. The difference would be that school districts could take bids for instructional services once an existing contract expires.

Superintendents! Tired of all those pesky teachers asking for things like a living wage, proper working conditions and benefits? Come to the new Wal-Mart Teacher Super Store and take advantage of our grand opening special: Buy three math teachers, get the fourth one free! (English as a first language not guaranteed).

Tired of English teachers arguing for books that parents don't want to their children to read because Rush Limbaugh told them they'll be communists if they do? Check out our selection of language arts teachers who have neither language, nor art, but know how to follow directions because they're at will employees!

"What Sen. Pavlov seems to be talking about is handing the education of our children over to the lowest bidder and letting for-profit companies take over our classrooms," said Doug Pratt, spokesman for the Michigan Education Association.

Well sure it sounds bad when you say it like that, but you're probably one of those people who went to college for four or five years to get a Bachelor's Degree, did internships and student teaching, then as soon as you got a job had to go back to school for your Masters so you could keep your certification, so what do you know?

Senator Pavlov is a Port Huron native, Pavlov graduated from St. Clair High School and later attended St. Clair Community College, where he studied business administration before joining the family transportation business. For fourteen years, Pavlov owned and operated Dexter Equipment Company, specializing in medium to heavy duty truck sales and heavy equipment repair.

It's like the guy has education in his blood or something.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-09-02T13:43:00.000-04:00

OK here's the problem with greyhound racing. There's so much money to be made and the stakes are so high that there is enormous pressure on the breeders to win. This is a situation tailor made for cheating, cutting corners and ignoring the rules, all of which puts the greyhounds in increased danger.

Wait. What's that you say? There is no money in greyhound racing?

For the tracks, running dogs is a losing business, one that they maintain only so they can reap the massive profits from newer gambling like slots and poker. Though Florida is often considered the mecca of modern dog racing in this country, over the last eight years, taxes and fees paid to the government from greyhound racing have dropped a whopping 96 percent.

Whoa. That's..um...pretty bleak, dude. Well, on the bright side, with no money to be made that takes the pressure off and now we can do greyhound racing for fun without worrying about the temptation the breeders might have to play fast and loose with the rules, which means the greyhounds are going to be a whole lot safer, right Trainer Eric Butler?

Mr Butler was found guilty of a charge under Greyhound Racing Rule 83 (2) (a) in that he presented Sunshine Fury for the race in question not free of a prohibited substance as the urine sample taken from the greyhound was found to contain Codeine.

See? The less financial incentive you put on an activity, the less likely it's going to be that people will cheat to get ahead and...wait...codeine? Eric. Dude. If you're gonna cheat at least know your chemistry. Codeine is a downer, man. You take it yourself to cope with your life decisions, you don't give it to greyhounds to make them run faster. Criminny. Somebody buy this guy the Breaking Bad DVDs or something.

Well, no matter because we know what the overlords are going to say about this, namely this Eric guy is what's known as The Bad Apple. He in no way represents the fine upstanding citizens who populate the ~~barbarous~~ sport of ~~heartless innocent animal exploitation~~ greyhound racing. Isn't that right Trainer Alfred Vella?

Mr Vella pleaded guilty to a charge under Greyhound Racing Rule 83 (2) (a) in that he presented Diesel Roc for the race in question not free of a prohibited substance as the urine sample taken from the greyhound was found to contain Caffeine, Theobromine, Theophylline and Paraxanthine.

Hmm...well in his defense we have to say that Alfred was apparently paying more attention in chemistry class than Eric was. We mean, caffeine? Yeah, we get that, but theobromine? Dude, that's chocolate! Now, chocolate might make some people run faster, but dogs? Ah...not so much. See, that's why the lure is a fake rabbit and not a snickers bar, right Pinocchio?

Pinocchio is very mild mannered. He is very loving and affectionate. He likes to follow his foster mom around the house. He gives kisses and loves to be petted and snuggle. He puts his head in your lap and he gets along with the female greyhound in the home. He likes to play with toys. He likes to look at himself in the mirror. He is a curious, happy dog who prances when he walks. He also can sit. He has a pronounced overbite, which probably gave him his name. It is very endearing. He also sleeps on his back with his feet in the air in the “cockroach” position. Pinocchio would do well in a working family home with well-mannered older children, 12 and up. He would probably do best as an only dog, because he gets possessive of food/treats around other dogs. He may be okay in a home with other dogs, preferably female dogs, if the family has dog behavior experience. If he is in a home with another dog, he should be walked together with the dog. He needs a home that will provide structure and boundaries for him. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

There Is No Truth To The Rumor That He Kicks Puppies For Fun

2011-08-29T16:00:00.000-04:00

We're coming to you today from the You Thought I'd Never Amount To Anything Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. YTINATA is a division of the Short Man Syndrome Corporation in partnership with Heart Like A Raisin, LLC.

By way of a little background and context we need to tell you that the unemployment rate in Ohio is 9%, or if you're State Sen. Tim Grendell, another way of saying it is one in ten people in Ohio are drug addicts freeloading off the public dole.

“Hard working taxpayers of the state of Ohio should not have to pay for the drug habits of illegal drug users,” Grendell said in a press release.

Right. Because lord knows if these people wanted to work, they could, what with jobs practically falling out of the trees around here.

Those seeking state aid would have to pay for the drug tests but would be reimbursed if they pass, the release said. Those who fail a second time would be banned from receiving aid for three years.

Grendell is also sponsoring a Bill to charge people who are eligible for food stamps because, hey times are tough. Why should we be giving food away?

The proposal is patterned after a aw already in effect in Florida, Grendell said.

Hmm...Hey Timmy, might want to look into that just a tad more before you save the hardworking taxpayers of Ohio from subsidizing the drug addicts you apparently see around every corner.

The Department of Children and Families' central region has tested 40 applicants since the law went into effect six weeks ago, and of those 40 applicants, 38 tested negative for drugs. The cost to the state of Florida to reimburse those 38 individuals who tested negative was at least $1,140 over the course of six weeks. Meanwhile, denying benefits to the two applicants who tested positive will save Florida less than $240 a month.

Well, it's not really about saving the people of Ohio money anyway, is it Timmy? It's about payback for all those people who were mean to you in middle school isn't it? We mean, just look at this guy and tell us he wasn't shoved in his locker on a daily basis.

Grendell currently is seeking cosponsors for the proposal.

But since the other legislators won't let him sit with them at lunch he's had trouble getting support.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-08-26T11:43:00.000-04:00

You know, we're used to getting mixed messages from the overlords, like how much they luuuuvvvvs them some greyhounds...except when they're killing them, but we seldom get those messages in the same article.

The gates on the starting boxes snap up. And they’re off! As the dogs round the first bend they have one thing in their sights. The lure. The imitation hare jerks ahead of them, circling the track. The dogs buffet each other in their bid to get to the lure. As they near the finish line the racecaller’s excitement is peaking.

"Buffet." Heh, heh. That's a pretty word. This look like buffeting to you?

<p>&amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;By &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;br&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;&amp;amp;amp;lt;/p&amp;amp;amp;gt;</p>

By the way, Starz was killed in that "buffet," but back to our story.

For 10 years Angela Rowland experienced the ups and downs of the industry. The highest number of dogs she trained at her Ballan home was 25. Her hard work paid off in 2005 when she was named Greyhound Racing Victoria Young Trainer of the Year.

Trainer of the year? Now that's something. Got to be some big time benefits going along with that title right Ms. Rowland? Endorsements? Speaker fees? Movie roles?

About two years ago she gave it all up. ‘‘It’s very hard to make a living training dogs full-time because you’re not getting a guaranteed wage every week.

Oops. Heh heh. And this is from the "Trainer of the year." Think what it must be like to be an ordinary trainer. Kinda like being the fourth three stooges we figure.

‘‘It’s a really great sport and there are some really great people," said Melton greyhound owner Brian Treloar. "On a Saturday night a lot of families come. We’re in the middle of doing some major works to the area.’’ From the end of the grandstand down 500 metres to the end of the starting boxes is going to be converted into a huge picnic area. ‘‘It’s always been family oriented because a dog is so accessible, unlike a horse. You can’t put it in the back of a car can you?

Well, we certainly can't argue with that, Mr. Melton. And what are these families going to see when they come and enjoy your 500 meter picnic area?

In April, Banger Harvey shattered his hock beyond repair and was destroyed.

Ah, well there you go then. Nothing says family fun like subjecting the kids to the trauma of the violent, painful death of an innocent animal right in front of them, don't you agree Annie?

Annie is a sweet little girl. She is being treated for heartworm and her foster mom is keeping her quiet during her treatment. She is very affectionate. She will approach her foster mom for kisses. She loves treats. She likes to collect her foster mom’s shoes and puts them in a pile (she leaves the other family member’s shoes alone.) For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Texas! Motto: We Don't Call It Graduation, We Call It Parole

2011-08-24T13:59:00.001-04:00

You know, years ago when we were inmates of the local educorporate training facility we weren't what you might call model students. Now, in our defense we have to say we weren't overtly disruptive...well there was that one time we flicked a booger at Dale and it got caught in Elizabeth's hair, but that was an accident due to our lack of familiarity with the aerodynamic principles of asymmetrical objects. Besides, who could have known a person as small as Elizabeth was capable of a noise like that?

Aside from that our activities were pretty much confined to those you might expect of a budding scholar with a short attention span and not enough adult supervision. Things like opening the window at the back of the classroom and scattering breadcrumbs left over from lunch to attract pigeons in the hopes that one might fly into the room (Hey, it could work); trying to steal all the teacher's chalk before math class, or writing fictitious names on the attendance sheet passed around by the substitute.

Well, we tell you this by way of establishing our credentials as miscreants, and to confess that while there probably were some activities we engaged in that were definitely not conducive to the harmonious learning atmosphere we're sure our educational technicians were trying to create, at least we never broke the law.

In a small courtroom north of Houston, a fourth-grader walked up to the bench with his mother. Too short to see the judge, he stood on a stool. He was dressed in a polo shirt and dark slacks on a sweltering summer morning. “Guilty,” the boy’s mother heard him say. In another generation, he might have received only a scolding from the principal or a period of detention. But an array of get-tough policies in U.S. schools in the past two decades has brought many students into contact with police and courts — part of a trend some experts call the criminalization of student discipline.

First of all we feel obligated to point out that because this kid acted out in Texas he probably should thank his lucky stars he wasn't shooting spit wads, or sticking his gum under the seat. We hear you can be executed for stuff like that. Second, since it's a well known fact that children who can't sit quietly, not ask questions and always color inside the lines are not going to do well on the tests and pull the school's score down, it's just as well this young ne'er do well is hustled off to the pokey. We mean, he's a fourth grader and this is how he behaves? What hope is there for him?

In Texas police issue tickets: Class C misdemeanor citations for offensive language, class disruption, schoolyard fights. Thousands of students land in court, with fines of up to $500. Students with outstanding tickets may be arrested after age 17.

Darn straight. Look, a kid swears in class, it's only a short trip from there to robbing a bank, so we might as well get him in the system now, while he's cooped up in a school building. Beats chasing him around the neighborhood after he's knocked over the local liquor store, no?

Now, such practices are under scrutiny nationally. Federal officials want to limit punishments that push students from the classroom to courtroom, and a growing number of state and local leaders are raising similar concerns.

Now see, this is why governor Perry wants to secede. Here comes the federal mommy government interfering with the state's right to utilize its resources as it sees fit. Seriously, do these kids work? No. Can they buy TV's or cars or houses? Not. Do they in any way contribute to the enormous cost of taking care of them? Never. So aside from the few who do well on tests and thus help raise property values in their neighborhoods, there aren't a whole lot of reasons for putting up with much. Besides, when teachers are busy organizing test prep sessions, they don't have a lot of time to be fooling around with kids who just don't see the importance of making the adults look good by scoring well.

Gregg Anderson, president of the Texas Association of School Resource Officers, said that tickets don’t get written every day or for every offense but that when a problem is repeated or severe, "it’s another tool in our belt.”

Right on Mr. Anderson. See, you bleeding hearts are getting all upset over nothing. These tickets are being given only in certain severe circumstances, not at any little infraction. What do you think, we hate kids? Come on, we're professional educators fer chrissakes. Kids are what we are all about.

In one highly publicized case a middle school student in Austin was ticketed for class disruption after she sprayed herself with perfume when classmates said she smelled.

In Houston one recent day, a 17-year-old was in court after he and his girlfriend poured milk on each other. “She was mad at me because I broke up with her,” he said.

Well, in the schoold districts' defense we have to say it was cheap perfume, and as far as the milk incident...those were both free lunch kids, so it's not like they were going to amount to much anyway.

Research shows that students who have been arrested or appeared in court are more likely to drop out of high school, said Gary Sweeten, an Arizona State University criminologist. Dropouts, in turn, are more likely than graduates to be incarcerated or unemployed.

Hey, win win. We get the kids who don't do well on the big tests out of school, and create job opportunities in the Corrections field.

We Knew She Was Guilty, Except For That Innocent Part

2011-08-22T12:47:00.001-04:00

Hooray! It looks like this country is going to hang together long enough to get another school year started, although South Dakota has decided to hedge its bets in case this whole public education thing turns out to be a bad investment. Oh sure, sure, Thomas Jefferson said, “To penetrate and dissipate these clouds of darkness, the general mind must be strengthened by education,” but he wasn't, like, infallible or anything, you know? Dude broke his wrist chasing chicks around Paris, fer chrissakes. So the people of South Dakota are just saying, "Hey, should we be listening to some horn dog when we can be cutting taxes on businesses so they'll hire more people for minimum wage, no benefit jobs? Don't think so."

Well, despite the fact that we all may just be going through the motions of being an actual country as the society Jefferson helped lay the foundation for crumbles down around our homeless, jobless ears, we here in the marbled halls can't help but be a little excited about the prospect of more students to annoy.

Then we read something like this and it occurs to us that with colleagues like these, perhaps South Dakota has the right idea.

A southwestern Missouri school district has denied accusations in a federal lawsuit that officials failed to protect a middle-school girl from being raped, calling the lawsuit "frivolous" and saying the girl "neglected to use reasonable means to protect herself." The girl, identified as a 7th grade special education student, was raped twice during the course of two school years, according to the lawsuit filed July 5 against Republic School District in U.S. District Court for the Western District of Missouri.

"Hey, we got AYP to be worried about," said school principal Patricia Mithelavage. "We can't be watching these kids every minute. Besides, she's one of the short bus riders, if you get my drift. It's not like she's going to be raising our scores anyway."

The girl was first raped at Republic Middle School in the spring of 2009, according to the lawsuit. After the mother notified the school, the girl described the rape and "multiple sexual assaults" she'd experienced at school that year to school resource officer Robert Duncan, Mithelavage and school counselor Joni Ragain. They then told the mother that they thought that her daughter made it all up.

When asked why the school didn't request that the girl be examined right away to determine if an assault had occurred, Duncan replied that "it was a Friday afternoon before a long weekend."

During subsequent meetings described in the lawsuit as "intimidating interrogations," the lawsuit says the officials told the girl that they thought she was lying about the rape. The girl's mother was later told that her daughter recanted her story during one of those meetings. The family's lawyers note in the lawsuit that the girl's school file contains a psychological report describing her as adverse to conflict, passive and "would forgo her own needs and wishes to satisfy the request of others around so that she can be accepted."

"Yeah, what's your point?" Ragain asked.

Following instructions from the school, the girl wrote an apology to the boy she accused of raping her and had to personally give it to him, according to the lawsuit. She was then expelled for the remainder of the 2008-09 school year. The school also told "juvenile authorities" that she filed a false report.

We think it's very important to teach students to take responsibility for their actions. It's one of the guiding principles of our school," said principal Mithelavage.

The school district denies all of the family's claims, saying that if anything happened it was the "result of the negligence, carelessness, or conduct of third parties over whom the District Defendants had neither control nor the right to control."

"Well, every rule has exceptions," she added,

The girl returned to the middle school for the 2009-10 school year and tried to avoid the boy, according to the lawsuit. It didn't work. She was sexually assaulted again but didn't tell anyone because she was afraid of being expelled again, her lawyers wrote in the lawsuit. She was allegedly raped a second time Feb. 16, 2010. School officials were notified of the incident and allegedly doubted the girl's claim, saying they'd "already been through this," according to the lawsuit. The girl was also examined and found to have been sexually assaulted. However, she was suspended from school for "disrespectful conduct" and "public display of affection," her lawyers wrote in the lawsuit.

Mithelavage defended the school's action" "Hey come on. Once, OK, but twice? That's just a little bit slutty don't you think? We have pretty high standards of behavior around here."

A boy pleaded guilty in juvenile court to unspecified charges after the family notified police when the girl was raped a second time.

"Oh, he is so on detention," Mithelavag said, "Kid lied to us. Can you believe that?"

Local prosecutors found out about the lawsuit Monday night and were reviewing police reports to see if the school district violated any laws requiring abuse allegations to be reported to authorities.

"Yeah, we're thinking that whole call the girl a liar, never get her examined and throw her out of school policy? That's probably not the way to go," said an official from the prosecutor's office who declined to be identified.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-08-19T14:19:00.000-04:00

We've been thinking about the plight of the overlords lately. We mean, here they are trying to convince people with souls that exploiting innocent animals for profit...um...greyhound racing is fun for the whole family in the hopes that they can lure more rubes...um...fans to the track to lose the rent money...um...join the exciting and lucrative world of greyhound handicapping. So far, it's not going so well.

Greenetrack is fighting a $75 million dollar tax bill from the state. In court papers, it says the assessment far exceeds the track's assets.

When asked to describe the track's assets a representative listed the three coke machines--although one was non-functioning, the fax machine and three five gallon buckets of pickles, left over when the concession stand closed.

See, here' the problem: If you don't have races you can't make money, so you just need to schedule more races and you can grow your way out of this dilemma, right Sally Briggs, general manager of Gulf Greyhound Park.

Gulf Greyhound Park has delayed applying for live race dates in 2012 and part of 2013 as the state racing commission ponders ways to recoup about $1.7 million in annual funding taken from it by the Texas Legislature. While the commission said it’s too early to know how it will try to recover the money, it’s clear operators at the dog racing track, 1000 FM 2004 in La Marque, expect they will have to pay more to the state in fees and won’t schedule lives races until they know how much.

Aw nuts. Money, money, money. It's always about the money. If only there was a venture capitalist out there, and investor with a love of ~~brutality~~ animal athletes who would step forward and finance the overlords through this rough patch. It couldn't be just anybody though, it would have to be someone knowledgeable in the ~~travesty~~ sport, ~~cruel beyond hope of redemption~~ experienced, and most of all of fine upstanding character to preserve the high moral tone with which the overlords carry themselves. Or a mobster, whatever.

Crime clan head Eddie Lyons has gone to the dogs ... in the world of greyhound racing. Lyons, 53, is the proud owner of two dogs which he pays to be kept in training. The serial gambler frequently visits his prized dogs at the Stirlingshire kennel. One source said: "Eddie is never out the bookies and has been a big punter for years."

OK this looks pretty good. The guy's already paying money into greyhound racing so he can't be very smart, he's a "serial gambler" so he's used to losing, and he apparently can get to the track on his own without getting lost. Win win, no?

"More recently, he's become a massive fan of dog racing and often attends race nights at Shawfield in Glasgow. "There's some decent money to be made for the top owners but he's not in that league yet," the source continued.

Well, if by "decent money" you mean bus fare home with enough left over for a pack of smokes, then yeah baby, let's get us some of that sweet, sweet "decent money."

"These two dogs could hardly run the length of themselves but I think the plan is to breed them one day," the source said.

OK wait a minute. The guy is spending money to train dogs that can't race in the hopes that he will be able to breed them someday because people will be looking for racing dogs that come from a line of dogs that can't race, is that it?

That seems to be it.

Perfect! You couldn't find a person more suited to invest in greyhound racing if you built them from the ground up. Happy days are here again, right Audrey?

Audrey is a loving, playful, outgoing, friendly girl. She loves her tummy and ears to be rubbed and she has no problem locking her big brown eyes with yours to let you know that she trusts you. She is curious about everyone and everything that she sees. Audrey is like a puppy she is very energetic. She likes to sleep on her back, like playing dead. Her foster mom hasn’t caught her playing with toys, but she can be in the basement and she can hear Audrey playing with them. Audrey is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Audrey would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. She is young and playful and would do well with another dog to keep her company, or as an only dog in a family that will exercise her often. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

BREAKING: Romney Agrees With You. In Other News, Ocean Remains Salty

2011-08-18T13:32:00.000-04:00

Well here's a headline that didn't need to be written:

Romney says he is "in sync" with Tea Party

Of course Romney's "in sync" with the Tea Party. He's also "in sync" with moderate republicans (both of them) business interests, labor, the poor, Cubs fans, vegetarians, Rastafarians, Mayans, people who call soccer football, insurance companies, people shafted by insurance companies, left handers, people who believe the designated hitter rule killed baseball, astronauts, base jumpers, voice activated computers, Billy Budd, the NFL, the Baader-Meinhoff gang, Chuck Norris, Gamers, organic chicken farmers...whew. It'd be easier to put together a list of things Romney isn't "in sync" with. Laws governing the transportation of companion animals perhaps. We can't think of any more.

Many Tea Party members don't see themselves as "in sync" with Romney, however. In Massachusetts he helped author the statewide healthcare mandate that was an inspiration for President Barack Obama's 2010 national health reforms

Oh now that's just unfair right there. We mean, do you know how much work it takes to be on all sides of an issue? Do you realize the strain that gets put on Romney's back from bending every way the wind blows? Can you even imagine the size of his chiropractic bill? And we're not even going to get into what years of talking out of both sides of your mouth does to you. We seriously think you need to reconsider there Mr. and Ms. Tea Party members. Governor Romney is being totally sincere here.

“Romney for the most part is inaccessible,’’ said Hemingway, a Bristol resident who is chairman of the state’s Republican Liberty Caucus. As the former Massachusetts governor lays the groundwork for a possible second presidential run, he has largely shunned Tea Party activists in key primary states, including the state he must win if he enters the race, New Hampshire.

Well, sure but that was like six months ago. How long does a guy have to stick with a policy before you start to call him rigid in his beliefs. Say what you will about Governor Romney, but rigid in his beliefs is not something you'll ever be able to utter without soiling yourself.

America! Motto: Women And Children First? Who You Trying To Kid?

2011-08-17T15:43:00.001-04:00

Man. Things have gotten so bad in this country even the president has to take a bus to get around. Well, on the bright side at least we got the debt ceiling crisis resolved before it cut into Congress' vacation time. Now those elected representatives are about to come home to hear from the voters who sent them to Washington to do the people's business. Um...at least the ones who live close enough to public transit because hey, who can afford gas to drive around? Plus, if you're living in your car you don't really want to move it, or you may not get your mail anymore.

What's that you say? There isn't any public transit anymore? Well, no matter. Who has the $15 price of admission to open-to-all Town Halls anyway?

You know, maybe it doesn't matter. We mean, these Congress people know what the problems are. They don't need us to tell them that the country needs to cut back on domestic spending so we can be ready for the next terrorist threat in Wangdangistan, or wherever. Just think what another aircraft carrier will do to the morale of those goat herders living in Pakistan, huh?

See, in America it's all about hard choices, and the folks we sent to Washington are all about taking on that responsibility and have been doing it since before this whole mess started.

Across the nation, the research by the Annie E. Casey Foundation found that child poverty increased in 38 states from 2000 to 2009. As a result, 14.7 million children, 20 percent, were poor in 2009. That represents a 2.5 million increase from 2000, when 17 percent of the nation's youth lived in low-income homes.

Now, you might think that's an alarming statistic since in a democratic society children's fundamental value is their potential to expand and improve on the society we leave them because open societies like ours are as much about the individual legacies we leave to those who come after as they are about any other accomplishment. You probably heard it all the time in your Civics class (well, before Civics was replaced with math test prep class). Your teacher would say, "What do you want your tombstone to say? 'Here lies so and so who made a million', or 'Here lies so and so who made a difference'?"

What a bunch of baloney. See, our elected representatives, who are tasked with making the hard choices know that children, by and large, don't work (not to worry though, the president's on it). And since they don't work, they don't have any money. No money, no money to contribute to campaigns, so it's like they're little leeches on the body politic anyway. Now let's get real here. Do you know how much money it costs to educate just one of these little resource hogs today? Sure we try and dump as much of that on the parents as we can, but yeesh. Public schools. Whose idea was that?

"People who grew up in a financially secure situation find it easier to succeed in life, they are more likely to graduate from high school, more likely to graduate from college and these are things that will lead to greater success in life," said Stephen Brown, director of the Center for Business and Economic Research at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. "What we are looking at is a cohort of kids who as they become adults may be less able to contribute to the growth of the economy. It could go on for multiple generations."

Oh boo hoo. Look we have it on good authority there's going to be an increased demand for domestic help and custodial staff in the near future. And the good news? It's going to happen off shore, so by the time these little ragamuffins grow up we'll be exporting them faster than corn to China.

And you know what the best thing is? None of this would be possible if it wasn't for our representative form of government.

MasterGender: We Know What's Best For You

2011-08-16T14:55:00.000-04:00

Coercing a woman into having an abortion if you are her husband, or parents: $5000.00

Coercing a minor into having an abortion if you are the father: $10,000

Coercing a woman into having an unwanted pregnancy by taking away her access to legal abortion: priceless.

There are some things money can't buy. For everything else there's the Michigan legislature.

Michigan! Motto: Hey Look At Us. We're Stupid Too

2011-08-15T12:02:00.000-04:00

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know despair is all that is left of the democratic process...er...we mean know that on occasion we here in the marbled hall have been know to point out the comic foibles of legislators in the various state houses around the smoking ruin that was once America. Take anti-gay state senator for Indiana Phillip Hinkle who "offered $80 to an 18-year-old man he met on Craigslist, "for a couple hours of your time," plus a tip "for a really good time."

Yep, that's right. Anti-gay, crusading, family values, upright republican is gayer than Liberace's closet.

Or how about Ohio legislator Robert Mecklenborg who by day stands in the well of the Ohio Legislature and as a "Catholic boy from the west side of Cincinnati" -- champions the most radical anti-abortion legislation in the country. And by night drives around drunk, pumped with Viagra with a stripper in the car.

And of course you know he is violating church doctrine because the stripper is over 18.

Well, we could go on, but it occurred to us that as we point out the wacky misadventures of lawmakers in neighboring states you could get the impression that we here in the Water Winter Wonderland are immune from whatever it is these other bozos are drinking.

Not quite.

Muslim leaders are saying a piece of legislation proposed by Rep. Dave Agema (R-Grandville) is actually an attack on Islam. In June, Agema proposed legislation that would ban the implementation of foreign laws. While the language of the proposal does not say it directly, it would ban Sharia or Islamic law. Agema told the Detroit News that the law is intended to preserve American laws. “No foreign law shall supersede federal laws or constitution or state laws or constitution,” Agema said. “Our law is our law. I don’t like foreign entities telling us what to do.”

OK, first of all, how does a guy whose name sounds like you are clearing your throat get elected in the first place? Hey people of Grandville, what were you thinking? Well, in their defense we have to say Grandville is over by Grand Rapids which is Amway/Quixtar/Alticor country. Yeah, that Amway. Got some crazy mofos up in there.

Anyway, it seems the good Mr. Agema of Grandville is a little short in the history department. You see, Davey, may we call you Davey? Every time we say Mr. Agema we hock a lugie onto the computer screen. You see guy, American law is based on English common law and the last time we checked England was still a foreign country.

Now, astute reader(s) of this blog have probably long since abandoned us to pursue more meaningful goals, like toe nail clipping...um...we mean have probably long since realized Davey is no intellectual heavy weight, but we did a little checking and found out he is some sort of pastor in some sort of church. Not really sure which one, perhaps the church of Christ the Protector (motto: It's not really bigotry if you can find it in the bible), so we're thinking he's probably a big fan of the ten commandments--may even believe they're the basis of American law, the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, which--little known historical fact--were both written by Jesus and Glen Beck.

Ah, there's the rub Davey. See, the ten commandments come from a foreign country. And even worse, that foreign country is in the Middle East. You know, the place where all those scary brown people live?

So your Bill to outlaw foreign laws would pretty much outlaw most laws. Truly a dilemma, no? We'd have to pretty much start over and since most basic laws are already used by countries all over the world it's going to be harder than Representative Mecklenborg's wanger to come up with something truly "American."

Fear not Davey boy because Ironicus Maximus is here to help. A few years ago we had a greyhound who lived his entire life by one simple law. Now, this greyhound was born in America, never traveled to any foreign country and never learned to read--you're feeling an affinity for him already aren't you--so we figure this law had to come solely from his American experience. In other words, this law has to be as American as Mom, Apple pie and idiots in the legislature. We offer this to you completely without expectation of anything in return as a basis for developing a truly 100% authentic American Legal System. This is our American duty to you, our American legislator, legislating for the benefit of all Americans in our American legislature. This simple law stood him in good stead his entire life, and that simple law is, simply, this:

If it moves chase it, if it doesn't pee on it.

Now, we realize it's going to need a little tweaking here and there, but we have to believe when you start with a good American idea and have good Americans apply their god given American talents to it, you can't help but have a good American outcome.

You don't have to thank us, we're just thankful ourselves to be Americans and share this great American country with great American patriots such as yourself.

Friday Hound Blogging

2011-08-12T10:34:00.000-04:00

We're coming to you today from the Those Were The Days Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. TWTD is a division of the Rose Colored Glasses Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Memory Is Faulty, LLC.

It seems that the overlords in Colorado have turned nostalgic thanks to the probing work of professional journalistic reporter Irv Moss who is doing a whole series on sports that killed animals, but have since fallen out of favor (Next week: Bear Baiting: The Pro Wrestling Of The Animal World?)

Mile High Kennel Club in Commerce City was the flagship location of a flourishing greyhound racing business in Colorado that during its heyday in the 1980s filled dates on the calendar year-round.

"Time was you couldn't swing a dead cat in the stands without hitting a celebrity or a politician," said Arden Hartman, a member of the Mile High Kennel Club staff when it opened in 1949. "That was before people found out what happened to the dogs after their racing was finished. Man, if only we could have kept that secret." Hartman gets a far away look in his eye as he ponders what might have been.

"On our closing night, Aug. 31, 1982, our mutuel handle exceeded $1 million," said Hartman. "We were close to $1 million on several occasions."

We feel obligated to step in here and remind the reader(s) that, as the overlords have said on numerous occasions, the money was secondary and it's all really about the dogs. We're sure Mr. Hartman simply wasn't quoted completely, and that part of his statement was lost.

Today, there is no live greyhound racing in Colorado. The last race was run at Mile High on June 28, 2008. Three other area tracks closed in the five preceding years. "Everybody has their own idea as to what happened," Hartman said.

That's true, but all those ideas share the theme of mistreated, injured and killed greyhounds.

"It was a fun place to be," said Bill Lee, who started at Mile High as a "lead-out," the person who led the dogs out in the prerace parade. "Our racing dates started after the tracks in Florida closed for the season. Our fans got to see the best racing kennels that were available."

Right. Because the last thing the overlords needed was a bunch of dogs not earning their keep. So after they were done racing in the Flordia heat, they were shipped across country so they could run in the thin air of Colorado.

Pageantry was a big part of the racing scene. At Mile High, a bugler called the dogs to the track for each race and a live band would play between races. In the prerace parade for the Denver Post-Rocky Mountain Empire states event, each racer was accompanied by a flag from one of the Rocky Mountain Empire states.

And the pageantry carried over into post race events too, like when a dog was taken out behind the kennels and shot because it wasn't winning. It was done with a ceremonial gun. Very tasteful.

"I run into people all the time who say they wish the dogs still were running," Hartman said.

Of course they also say President Obama talks to them through the filling in their tooth, but as long as we're reliving old memories:

One year ago today, my second greyhound Lily died at 12 yrs 9 mos.

Go read the whole thing. Now that's a memory worth having, huh Pinocchio?

Charles Dickens Call Your Office

2011-08-10T11:51:00.000-04:00

We have to believe that one of the things that troubles our betters as they move to create a capitalist paradise is what to do with all the poor people they're creating. We mean, after all, there are only so many fast food jobs and probably most people won't even have enough money for a value meal in a few years anyway. Gardening and child care? Nah. Got the illegal immigrants for that. More wars? Now that's a possibility, but what about those who are too young, or too old, or sick?

Well, truly a dilemma that deserves serious discussion over a second bottle of Clos Mogador Priorat, 2007. Waiter, please? See, there's this unintended consequence to creating a society that makes things better for the already well off by abandoning the most vulnerable and needy elements of the population. Those elements tend to get a bit testy.

Now, admittedly the violence churned up by all this inequality isn't really the problem since public transportation doesn't come out to the gated communities of those who create the policies that institutionalize economic injustice, so mostly the poor just end up making a bad situation worse for themselves rather than interfering with the tee times of their superiors. No, the problem is violence creates market instability which can affect portfolios. Now, say you're thinking about buying the third Porsche, you know, the one in a color that matches your eyes? But you can't plan your investments because the market is up one day, down the next then up and down in the same day.

Most inconvenient, and well, just messy--all those ragamuffins roaming the streets putting your dividends at risk. Oh sure, your police catch a few and throw them in jail, but that's not really a long term solution. No, the long term solution would be just to remove the poor, but that's going to be pretty hard to pull off, even with all the Koch Brothers' money.

Hey, wait a minute. Money. Poor people are poor because they don't have any money, so what if you made not having money a crime?

Kyle Dewitt spent three days in jail because he was too poor to pay a fishing fine. Last spring, Dewitt was ticketed and fined $215 for fishing smallmouth bass out of season (Dewitt disputes the charge). But Dewitt, 19 years old with a fiancée and a nine-month-old son, lost his job at a grocery store in 2010 and has been out of work ever since. He couldn’t afford the $215 fine. Instead he offered to pay $100 up front, and repay the rest in a month. But Judge Raymond Voet of Ionia, Mich., refused. The judge sentenced Dewitt to three days in jail.

It's not like you're singling out an entire economic class or anything, you're just saying there's a price of admission to this country now, and some people don't have it. You know, it's the same as when the elite want to go to the opera, or a museum. Got to buy a ticket. No ticket, no admittance. Now that's actually equality right there because everybody has to pay for what they want. Want to see the new Picasso exhibit? Got to pay. Want to eat? Got to pay.

“Long thought to be a relic of the 19th century, debtors’ prisons are still alive and well in Michigan,” Kary Moss, executive director of the Michigan ACLU, said.

Oh be still my bleeding heart. Look, people need to learn to be self sufficient and self reliant. Those are the strong conservative values that built this country and made low inheritance taxes possible so the sons and daughters of the people who built this country don't have to work for a living.

Using a rule called “pay or stay,” judges in Michigan can decide to keep people in jail who have been found guilty of misdemeanors but who cannot afford to pay their fines. (Dewitt’s case is an anomaly, since he says he wasn’t fishing out of season, and he was never found guilty by a jury.) Other cases involving the ACLU include:

- Kristen Preston, 19, was unable to pay a $125 fine for underage drinking. Judge Voet sentenced her to 30 days in jail.

- Dontae Smith, 19, pleaded guilty to driving on a suspended license and was ordered to pay $415 in fines. Smith was given an hour to call friends and relatives, but was unable to raise the money, so Judge Joseph Longo of Ferndale, Mich., sentenced him to 41 days in jail.

- David Clark, 30, was ordered to complete a six-week parenting class and pay a $1,250 fine for spanking his girlfriend’s child. Clark took the class, but he couldn’t afford the fine as a part-time grocery store worker who brings home $150 a week. So Judge Randy Kalmbach of Wyandotte, Mich., sentenced him to 90 days in jail.

- Dorian Bellinger, 22, pleaded guilty to misdemeanor marijuana possession and couldn’t afford the $425 in fees, so Judge Robert B. Brzezinski of Livonia, Mich., sentenced him to 13 days in jail.

Hey, actions have consequences, you know? Well, unless you're wealthy enough or connected enough to avoid them, then your actions have consequences for others, but you can skate, just as the Founders intended.

“These modern-day debtors’ prisons impose devastating human costs, waste taxpayer money and create a two-tiered justice system,” Elora Mukherjee,staff attorney with the ACLU’s racial justice program, said in a press release.

Well, that's an easy problem to fix, just privatize all the prisons. The rich are already paying too much in taxes to support all those freeloaders anyway.